I never realized how much I took "alone time" for granted, until I moved to a place where I don't have any. I'm surrounded by people, pretty much 24/7. When I'm in my room and people are talking in the living room, I can hear them...maybe not to distinguish words, but I know they're there. Walking around on the ranch, there's always someone around. You stop, chat, wave, whatever...but there are always people there. Last weekend I got to the point where I had had enough of people. Saturday was just rough...it was pouring and there were people everywhere I turned...people who don't know me well, and I'm not about to try to get to know them in groups. I don't operate that way. I get to know people one-on-one, when I'm in groups where I don't know most of the people there I don't say anything in the best case scenario, and I get super-uncomfortable in the worst case scenario. I'm getting better, but when I need alone time, trying to push myself in that isn't a smart idea.
Church was fine, but afterwards there was a slight issue because I was going to be heading back with a different van than I came in. I was told who I would be riding with, but it was someone I didn't know yet. I'm sure they knew me...it's always easier to learn a few new names rather than be the new person and have to learn everyone's name...but I didn't know who they were when I was given the name. I told that to the person who normally drives me on Saturday, when he told me about the arrangements, and he said it wasn't a problem, he'd introduce me. Well, when we got to Sunday, he said I could go down and meet them in the grocery store. I looked at him and said I didn't know who they were, so how could I meet them in the grocery store. He asked me how come I didn't know who they were, and I reminded him of our conversation the day before...which he then remembered. But as he had to stay there and wait for some people he was meeting up with, he couldn't introduce me like he had planned. So I went down, shopped, and came back to the table we had been sitting at. By this point I was rather fed up with people in general (there had been a few other conversations where assumptions were made about what and who I did know about things down here...all in the span of about 20 minutes), and I just wanted to be alone. But I'm in the middle of a mall in Tegucigalpa...that's not happening. I was asked by the original driver if I was okay, I said no. He asked if there was anything he could do to help, and I said no, because I didn't think that it would benefit anything to vent my frustration on him. And then the guy who was driving me home came over, and I was introduced to him, and he's really nice...helped me bring my groceries to the car, spent the drive back chatting, it was good. It almost made up for the frustration of getting to that point.
By time we got back to the ranch, I felt like I was jumping out of my skin...I needed to get somewhere else...anywhere else. So I grabbed my phone and iPod and walked up to the pond...I tried calling someone a few times to no avail. I needed to be alone, but I wanted to talk through all the frustrations and whatever going through my head. I stayed up by the pond in blissful solitude until a change in the wind and encroaching thunder told me I should probably walk back (it was probably an hour or so later). I was by the campo when it started raining, I did get into my house before it poured. Which effectively cut out all options for retreat anywhere else...so I went next door to find someone to talk with (note "next door" is connected by the screened in porch...so no need to get wet). It helped...a lot. So after Sunday evening, I was doing pretty well.
Fast forward to today...it's three days later, and after the teachers met for announcements and a time of prayer, one of them came up to me and asked I was doing okay. I said yeah, I was fine...and she asked again. I repeated myself that I was fine, because I was...after that whole mess on Sunday I've pretty much been fine since (though if the thunder clears up I may go back up to the pond today). But then I started trying to figure out why she would think that I wasn't doing well. She was around on Sunday, so it could have been that...but then wouldn't she have asked me Monday? Well, the conclusion I came to (and I don't know if I'm right or not) is that her roommate was over at my house last night with a group of other girls. I had been playing soccer, came in, said hi, went to my room and cleaned up, said bye, and went next door to the guys house. I didn't stay for conversation, it was pretty much in, quick shower, out, gone. My thought is that she went home and told the teacher that approached me about it...of course out of concern for me. [Now, understand that this is just my hypothesis, I have little evidence, just deduction.]
If that's what happened, it frustrates me a little bit. If you're concerned about me, okay...come up and ask, or at the very least, send an e-mail. Don't talk with someone else about it, I don't appreciate that. And this is why I tend to hang out with the guys here...they're straightforward...they tell you what they're thinking. (Don't get me wrong, some of the girls here are great too...but I've run into this issue a lot more with females...in general...than I have with guys.) A key to how I operate - I'm all about one-on-one relationships...I can do groups if I know most of the people well, and how I get to know people is one-on-one relationships. Which means I'm not likely to open up to a group of people I don't know well. We have family night down here every Monday. It basically is a time when all the people who aren't house parents...aka mostly the singles...get together and have dinner. Going to that is a stretch for me. I go because I know it's good to get to know people, but it's a stretch. I don't say much...maybe by the end of the year I'll be speaking more, but for now I don't. But part of the reason why I don't is I don't know whether or not I can trust people to keep things that I share to themselves...and with things like what happened today, I'm more inclined to believe that I can't.
Anyway, so that's where I'm at for now. I'm doing well for the most part. School is going well. I did get a bit of much needed alone time last Sunday. I just may be avoiding certain people for a few days until I find out what exactly happened...I guess that's the down side to living in a close community...people feel like your business is theirs, and they need to share their concerns...with everyone...or just their roommate. Sigh.
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