I created this blog really for my journey to and my time in Honduras. After returning, I stopped writing in it, and actually in many ways I stopped writing at all. I still journal - private personal thoughts and prayers that are just between me and God - but in many ways it seems to me like if I'm not out there doing something, no one would care what I'm thinking about. I mean who really wants to know about the daily life of a suburban teacher. And how can I have a "purpose" when every day seems like every other day.
But today I was thinking about it, and I realized that a lot has happened to me and a lot of changes have taken place since I came back from Honduras. I may not be in a "foreign" country (which, when I visit, still seems like home), but it is still affecting me.
It's hard for me to believe it's been almost 3 years since I came back. At times it seems a lifetime ago, other times it really does seem like it was just last week. I have been back to visit since then. I haven't yet seen everyone, but I have seen most of my students. I know that my friends and family like to hear about those trips, but fewer of them ask about how I've changed (and in their defense, it would be difficult to answer that question on the fly). I still think in Spanish occasionally, I still read in Spanish some, but I know I'm losing a lot of the language I had. Hopefully it would come back quickly.
When I first came back, that first year, I pretty much was just waiting for God to send me again. I didn't know whether it would be to Honduras or somewhere else, but I just wanted to go. I wanted the clearer sense of purpose that came with being surrounded by your mission. We all have a mission/purpose. When you are somewhere other than your "home" that mission is often clearer. You go on vacation to relax - that is your mission. You visit friends to spend time with them - that is your mission. I went overseas to teach - that was my mission. When you're home, it's more difficult to find that purpose. Some days it just seems to be to make enough money to survive. Other days it's to get the house cleaned. But it seems like I'm constantly being pulled in so many directions with no underlying clear goal.
The first year was probably the biggest physical and obvious transitions. I needed to move back into my house, learn the new programs at school, reacquaint myself with how things were run there. There was a new assessment system, a new evaluation system, new website, new teachers, new classes, a lot of new things. Going shopping on my own in huge stores, creating my own schedules and having the flexibility of my own transportation were all somewhat overwhelming at first. But you fall back into the pattern, re-learn how to do things and stop mentioning it to other people. Within six months, most other people forgot I ever was gone, and a few of them told me that too. But I very much didn't forget, because the internal transitions still go on.
I mentioned that during the first year, internally, I expected God to send me back, or send me somewhere. When I didn't feel that, there was a fair amount of depression. It seemed like everyone else had moved on and forgotten about it and about me, at times it even seemed like God had. There was a lot of internal doubt about my decisions, God's decisions and whether or not God had a plan for my life. Now, looking back, I can see both God's presence and His faithfulness through that time, but in the middle of it, both of those were hard to see. Finishing off my first year of school in the States did hold a sense of accomplishment. I went back to Honduras for a few weeks over the summer, and saw some people again. Leaving that time seemed far more difficult than it had been the first time, because I knew what I was coming back to, and I still didn't know what my purpose was. Shortly after returning, with school starting up again, I was told that if I did not get a Masters' degree within the next few years, my salary would be frozen.
This presented a few problems. I didn't have extra money sitting around to pay for a Masters program. I didn't have time to attend classes, and I didn't want a Masters just for the sake of getting a Masters. The whole system of "you pay for a piece of paper (degree) which will then make us pay you more money (salary)" seems a little twisted and political. So I half-heartedly looked around for programs, and talked to people who were getting a Masters or had gotten one recently. I did find one that was fairly reasonably priced and all online. I had done online classes before, I knew I could be disciplined enough to monitor my own progress. I had to make the decision between what type I wanted to get, and all I knew was that I did not want to go into administration, so I decided to get a degree in curriculum and instruction.
Working towards my Masters has taken up a lot of the last 16 months. I have two classes left to go, I'm finally almost there. What I have seen through this is a continuation of God's faithfulness in providing for me in every way. I have been able to pay for my classes as I've gone along. My 10-year-old car has been very well behaved and not needed much in the way of maintenance. My medical insurance has paid more than I thought they would of various bills that have come up. I have gotten tutoring jobs when I needed extra money. God has provided in many ways, both small and large, to allow me to work towards this goal. And He provided a way for me to go back down to Honduras last summer as well. I wasn't expecting that I would be able to go, financially or time-wise (as I was taking classes throughout the summer). Looking back, I still don't fully understand how it came together, but it did.
God has also, in the last year or so, shown me other reasons that I'm here, in the States, in this place, at this time. I don't have time to go into all of that now, because I've already spent more time than I anticipated writing, but I'll have to come back to that later...
