Re-Entry

I’ve now been Stateside for almost 4 weeks.  I’m going back to Honduras in another couple of days, for two weeks, and then I’ll be back here “permanently” [or at least for the foreseeable future].  In some ways, being back has been good, and in other ways it’s rough.  People ask how I’m doing or if I’m glad to be back, and in many ways, the answer changes every day, sometimes every minute.  It reminds me of a scene in Harry Potter 5 (the book…and I think the movie…):  Harry, Ron and Hermione are sitting in the common room, near Christmas, right after Harry kissed Cho (this girl he’s liked for over a year).  Cho was crying, and Ron teases Harry that he’s not a good kisser.  Hermione says he’s fine, Cho is just conflicted, and when the guys continue to act confused, she goes on to explain all the different thoughts and emotions that Cho is going through at this point.  Ron comes back with: “One person can’t feel all that at once, they’d explode!”  Right now, in many ways, I’m living that sentiment.

It’s impossible to explain all of how I’m doing, what I’m feeling, and any of my experiences right now.  A lot of my time and energy is spent focusing on the task at hand…which is currently getting my house back together.  I’d forgotten how much stuff I have.  I remember when I was packing my house up to make room for my renter to move in, I threw out a lot of stuff that I didn’t need.  In unpacking, I’m doing much the same thing…either throwing it out or moving it back into storage to potentially sell or give away.  There are times when I’m doing okay, and times when I’m completely overwhelmed and can just stare at the stuff around me…most of which I definitely didn’t miss in the last year, much of which I completely forgot I owned.

I’ve spent a lot of time meeting with people these past couple weeks as well, which is a mixed blessing.  I enjoy spending time with people, finding out about where they are right now, what’s been happening in their lives, and sharing some about mine.  At the same time, I’ve heard many assumptions or statements which I know are well meaning, but are also hurtful. 

“Welcome back to civilization…”  Yes, I was living in a developing country.  Yes, Honduras is very poor in many ways…but that doesn’t mean that it’s uncivilized.  They have cell phones, internet (granted mine was really slow), vehicles, schools, shopping malls, etc.  It may not be as grand or elaborate as those in the states, the power may go out on a weekly basis and you barely notice, but just because we’re incredibly, abundantly, overly blessed here…it doesn’t mean they’re not civilized.

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll be fine.  You’ve lived here for years, you weren’t gone that long.”  A lot can happen in a year…a lot can happen in a few months or even a few weeks.  You learn new ways of doing things, new ways of relating, how to live without things, and in many ways how to enjoy a different lifestyle.  And when you come back, you’re seeing your “old” life through that lens.  It’s no longer what you’re used to.  I read somewhere that it takes 30 days to make a habit…or at least that’s what’s commonly accepted.  Even giving some time for the initial culture shock…living in another culture for a year is by far long enough to get new habits.

“When you’re back to normal…” I’m assuming it’s intended to be:  “when you’ve had time to reacclimate and had a chance to emotionally stabilize”…because I’m pretty sure I’ll never go back to the “normal” I was at before…and I’m also pretty sure I don’t want to…

What is normal? In some ways it feels like some people are treating my reverse culture shock like a disease I'll recover from, and when I've been back long enough I'll revert back to the "me" I was before.  I hope not.  I hope that the lessons I've learned and the things I've experienced will have a lasting impact. I know I need to relearn how to live in this culture, but that doesn't mean I have to forget my time in Honduras.

A hard part of coming back is trying to reconcile two very different sets of priorities.  [And I know I'm generalizing here, so please don't jump down my throat...]. In the States, in many ways, we're focused on responsibility and independence.  Honduras in many ways is focused on relationships and interdependence.  That isn't to say that relationships aren't important in here, or that responsibility isn't important there...but an example: here you meet people on a schedule.  You almost have to, especially if you're meeting somewhere other than someone's house.  Most people are very time conscious, and we think people are rude if they show up more than a few minutes late (or come over excessively early).  If we see a friend or acquaintance somewhere when we're shopping or out somewhere, we'll strike up conversation, but it usually is short, because we're conscious that we have things to get done and they likely have things to get done.  Not so much in Honduras.  If you see someone in the mall, it's not uncommon to have longer conversations, or to change your plans to spend time with them.  People will come over unannounced, or be invited in spontaneously, and sometimes these unplanned visits span hours or meals.  When a guest comes over, they usually stop what they're doing to spend time with that person.  Help is also freely offered and often accepted (though pride does come into play at times).  Relationships are so important that culturally, it's very difficult to refuse people things.  However, most people don't take undue advantage of it.

One of my biggest frustrations in returning is how often people interrupt when you're in a conversation.  I don't know if I'm just more sensitive to it, or if it's happening to me more often (I'm guessing I'm more sensitive) but there have been numerous times with numerous people where I've felt like walking away from the conversation and just sending an email, because at least those can get written without interruption.  I can't count the number of times I've been asked a question by a friend, so I start to answer, and within two sentences they've had to interject something...a question, comment, or assumption.  If you really want to know about my time, let me tell it.  If you don't want to know, don't ask.  I won't be offended if you don't ask...I do get more offended if you ask, but show you don't really care about the answer, because as I'm talking you're thinking about what you want to say next rather than listening to what I'm saying.  I don't need to talk about my trip all the time; I do want to find out what is happening in other people's lives.  I understand that in the year I've been gone, life has gone on here in the States, as it should.

It will be interesting to see how things go as I return to Honduras.  I don’t know what it will feel like to go back…the same in some ways and different in others.  I’m only back at the Ranch for a week.  Some people are no longer around, and I’ll miss them.  Others it will be very good to see again (and very difficult to say goodbye to).

How do you pack up a year of your life?

Any advice, please…

This was the last Monday I’ll be in Honduras…well at least for the next month.  And when I come back, I’m not coming back for good, I’m just coming back for two weeks, so it’s not the same.  It does make leaving a little easier, but emphasis on LITTLE.

This evening I started really packing.  I’ve been consolidating things for the past week or so, weeding out things I don’t need to take back with me, separating things into things I’ll use before I return and things I’m going to stow here until I return for a week.  Tonight I actually went through and started counting off the days until I leave (6) and then portioning out what clothing I still need to wear, and packing the rest, packing up cosmetics, pictures, getting my DVDs in order, figuring out what people are still borrowing, going through every drawer in my room and throwing things out, putting things to the side that I don’t need, but other people may want…in general getting ready to wrap up my life here.  It’s more difficult than I anticipated in some ways…it makes things more real.  I really am leaving in less than a week.  And how do I go from the life I’m used to here back to the fast-paced, materialistic, busy world I came from?

In many ways the last year devoid of TV (or at least commercials…the TV I’ve watched has all been on DVD), radio, reliable phone service and high speed internet has been a relief.  I get phone service when I’m in the city (Teguc), outside in some areas on the Ranch, or connected to the antenna in Scott’s room.  But even then, I don’t get phone calls in, I just call out.  The internet is a frustration at times, but the intermittent service means that many times I don’t spend a lot of time tied in to facebook and e-mail.  I still check it every day, but before I left I would spend time not only on chatting with people, but playing games on facebook or on the internet.  I don’t think I’ve really done anything with facebook apps since before Christmas.  It takes too long to load, often causes my internet to freeze up, and it’s not worth the trouble.  That greatly decreases the amount of time I spend online (or it would if the internet was as fast here as it is at home…).  Add into that, I don’t have a driver’s license or vehicle here, so I basically have a lot of time to spend talking with people and reading books (and the aforementioned DVDs and movies…and usually those are viewed with at least one other person).  And in some cases, these people have become like family. 

That’s not even touching on the students that I’ve taught this past year.  When you live on the same property as the students, you get to know them rather well.  I had one student tell me that she looks at me like an older sister…and she’s only two and a half years younger than my younger sister, so that’s not too much of a stretch.  I’ve had students ask me to come back next year.  I’ve had parents thank me for the impact I’ve had on their kids.  And in the past week I’ve had to say goodbye already to people I’ve gotten to know really well, some of whom I may never see again this side of heaven.

I’m leaving this culture, and returning to one where in many cases people are too busy to sit down and talk…unless it’s a previously scheduled time, in which case they may be able to spare 15 minutes (an hour if you’re a really good friend) to talk.  I’m returning to a world where texting and facebook messages have replaced phone conversations because it allows you to multitask more easily.  It’s a world where, when I left, I was fortunate to get 6 hours of sleep and half an hour of breathing space a day…usually that included weekends.  I was surrounded by people, but usually we were so focused on whatever task was at hand that there wasn’t much time for personal conversation…unless that was the task at hand.  And in many ways, I don’t want to go back to that.  I want to go home, I want to see my family and friends…but I don’t want to go back to the task-oriented, busy pace of life back in the States. 

I don’t know if there’s any way around it.  I do know that I’m going to try to limit what I commit to, and in many cases I’m making those decisions before I get back home, which will make it easier to say no to the worthy and worthwhile causes that people ask me to join.  It’s not that I don’t think they’re important, or that I don’t support what people are doing in that…it’s just that my focus isn’t there, and I don’t want to be so busy with “good” things that I don’t have energy to dedicate to “best” things.

But before I look too far ahead, I still have six days to get through…well, five really, because day six is traveling.  In that time there will be many more goodbyes to say, packing to finish, conversations to be had, pictures to swap, life to live, and curriculum to finish (school is school in any country). 

3 Weeks?!?!?

In 3 weeks I will be back Stateside.  That's really hard to believe right now.  We have one week of normal school left, then next week will be standardized testing, cleaning the school and graduation.  The last week I'm here, I'll be working on curriculum stuff.  And then I'm home - June 17th. 

Over the next few weeks I'll be packing things up, saying goodbye to people, and trying to process my year here.  That's going to be really difficult, and I'm pretty sure that the next three weeks will fly by.  I'll be heading back here again in July, which helps with the goodbyes somewhat, because at least this time they're only "see you later" and not goodbye for good.  But how do you really pack up one life and try to pick up your old life?

I haven't been posting much on here, but I have been writing a lot in my journal as I'm processing this whole transition.  This also means I don't have much to write about right now, because I have written it...it's just not public.  But prayer would be appreciated as I'm making this transition.

Happy Easter!

I’ve always found the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter to be an interesting day.  It’s a day of crushed hopes, of disappointment.  I can picture Jesus’ disciples looking at each other with a “what now?” expression.  Their hope was killed, betrayed by one they all called friend.  How do you react to that?

If Easter…the resurrection…hadn’t arrived, that would have been the end of the story.  They likely would have gone back to their own lives, back to fishing, collecting taxes, whatever they had done before.  But that’s not the end of the story.  The women came with the news that Jesus’ body had been removed from the tomb, and on inspection it was true.  The tomb where Jesus’ body had been hastily placed and well-guarded (by trained, Roman soldiers) was indeed empty.  And the disciples were confused.  One of the women is convinced that she actually spoke with Jesus.  Then a report comes from two who followed with them, saying that a very-much-alive Jesus had walked with them as they were going to Emmaus, explaining why this man Jesus had to come, live as he had, and die as he did.  He explained that his death WAS the fulfillment of scripture.  And about the time they realized who he was, Jesus disappeared from their presence.  They ran back to Jerusalem as fast as they could to report it.  Later, Jesus appears to all the disciples.  Their hope is restored and their lives are changed, radically changed.

But right now, on this day, they don’t know that.  They have a bleak future ahead of them…one of uncertainty and futility.  I wonder what they thought of that day after the fact.  And the next few weeks, when Jesus was with them, preparing to leave them for the second time.  The uncertainty they faced of what their life would be like after he was gone.  Jesus had spent the last three years preparing them for this time.  Shortly, they would be past the point of preparation, and would pass into living life under the unseen guidance of the Holy Spirit, and spreading to all parts of the known world what they had seen in Jesus and learned from Jesus. 

In some ways it feels that the last year and a half for me has been a time of preparation.  A year ago at this time I was in the middle of raising funds, buying a plane ticket, trying to get things in order at home so I could come here.  In many ways, I had no idea what life would look like here.  I didn’t know the people I was going to meet, the friends I was going to make, the experiences I would have.  I didn’t know the changes that would go on in me, the ways that God would speak to me, grow me and guide me further on this path of life and maturity.  And again, I find myself in that same place.  Except this time I’m preparing to go back home.

In the last nine months I’ve seen God work in my life in amazing ways, I’ve seen God work in the kids that I teach.  I watched some of them mature dramatically.  I’ve seen myself change.  Looking back, I know I’ve been here for a reason, I know God called me here, and I know He’s calling me to go back home.  And that’s all that matters…because if I came here because I wanted to and for no other reason, then it most likely would have been a waste of my time.  If I’m doing what I want to do because I want to do it, even if I think it’s a good thing, my efforts fall flat.  I’m here, because God called me here, He paved the way for it; every detail fell effortlessly into place.  It doesn’t mean it’s been easy, it just means every roadblock I put up was torn down rather quickly.

And it all comes back to God.  It all comes back to what He did for me all those years ago on that cross.  It all comes back to the meaning behind Easter.  In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul said “If Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and so is your faith.  Your faith is worthless; you are still in your sins.  If we have hope in Christ in this life only, we are to be pitied above all men.”

Long Overdue...

There are weeks that go by with nothing to write about.  It's just the same old stuff going on: school, detention duty, campo supervision, soccer games, hanging out with my house and the house next door, etc.  The last two weeks have had many things that I've thought "I really should do another blog entry" but haven't gotten around to it.  So let's see what I can do to catch up...

Two weekends ago I spent at a missionary conference.  It was very interesting.  The emphasis was mostly on determining where your passion lay, and then making sure that you were working in your area of passion.  [Okay, it was understood that we all have things that we have to do...administrative things or whatever that we usually don't have a passion for, but our focus and ministry should line up with our passion.]  I got a chance to talk with a number of missionaries there from all over Honduras in many different ministries.  I spent some time helping a missionary learn how to use her iPad (she saw me using mine, said she got one for her birthday but had no idea what she was doing, and regretted that she hadn't brought it along...and then found out that her husband had brought it).  There was a lot of relationship building and random conversations.  It was a really good chance to get to know people, and think a little bit more of this transition that I'm coming up on.

Speaking of the transition back home, I have purchased my plane ticket to go back to the States.  I'm flying in on June 17th.  It's a Sunday, and this will allow me to go to my church here one last time, say goodbye to everyone, and get dropped off at the airport.  It also gives me a week to get acclimated to the States again before seeing EVERYONE from back home at church.  Arriving late Saturday night and going to church Sunday morning last December was a lot to deal with...I enjoyed seeing people, but wow.  I don't know when I'm going to be moving back into my house, probably the beginning of July.

I will be coming back here on the medical brigade with my church the last week in July.  I may also stay at the Ranch for a week or two before or after that to help the next teacher with figuring out the curriculum (or subbing if he's not here yet).  I will definitely be back in time for my school back home to start.  It will be an interesting summer to say the least.  Last summer was all preparation to come here...this summer will be transitioning to life back in the States.  Leaving is going to be really bittersweet.  I miss people back home so much...but I'm going to miss the friends I've made here.  Some of them I can keep up with on facebook, but my students here aren't on facebook (shocking I'm sure).  The fact that I have a return date to Honduras, temporary as it is, will most likely be beneficial in that transition.

This week has been very relaxing.  We're on Semana Santa (Holy Week) which is a week of no school...and I've taken them as vacation days, so I haven't had to do anything.  Monday I went to Villa Elena - a country club - and had fun with some of the kids at the pool.  One of the little kids in particular is fearless...he kept wanting to do flips in water over his head even though he can't swim...completely trusting that I would be able to get his head above water when he was done. 

I've made it into the city a couple times for dinner...one night at Fridays (yes, they have it here) and last night was at a small Italian place.  After dinner last night the group of us went to see Los Juegos del Hambre (Hunger Games).  It was the first time I've been to the movies here.  It was interesting.  The movie was in English with Spanish subtitles.  That meant that audience responses to what was happening on screen happened when people finished reading the subtitles, not when the characters said the lines.  A little disconcerting, but I enjoyed the movie anyway.

Una Feria de Ciencias

About a year ago, maybe more, I took an online assessment about leadership...namely how I lead.  The results were that I prefer not to, but I will take on leadership roles if necessary.  But getting people to follow me isn't high on my priority list.  I will assign tasks to others in my group, and if they do them, great.  If not, it usually takes less energy for me to complete them than for me to convince others why they need to be done.

I mention this, because I was asked/informed last August that I was going to be putting together the Science Fair for the year.  That, and the date (March 15), was pretty much all the information I was given...not too much to go on.

I mostly ignored it last semester, because March seemed so far away.  It came back to me about the beginning of February that something was coming up that I needed to think about.  In the middle of February I sat down with the principal and asked her what exactly she was looking for with the Science Fair.  I was told that each high school student was either supposed to pick a topic to research and report on or was supposed to do an experiment.  This was supposed to be something outside of class time - a project on their own.

I brought it to the students.  The younger two picked topics to research.  The older ones wanted to do experiments...but not research experiments...they wanted to do demos.  Part of this is I've done demos for them, and they kind of wanted to do the demos themselves.

I was really nervous about it for some reason, and I think it goes back to my feelings about leadership.  This wasn't something I could control and this wasn't something I could take over.  I was "in charge" but I wasn't really doing anything during the Fair except for introducing who came next.  I didn't have many guidelines for it...which in some ways is a good thing, because I'd rather be given freedom than given a strict set of instructions.  In other ways it was uncomfortable, because I know from experience that my vision of something rarely follows other peoples' vision.

It went well.  The students had fun for the most part, I'm pretty sure the spectators enjoyed it.  It's a little flattering that half of the demos were ones I had shown the students.  Another demo was one I've done in the States but not here.  For all the students doing demos, I did make them give a scientific explanation of what they were doing and why it worked...they couldn't just decide to do a fun fire demo.  (Three of the four demos dealt with fire...and no I'm technically not teaching chemistry down here, but there are many places where fire demos can fit...)  Some of the younger students were there as well, and hopefully seeing the demos (or the fire stuff at least) sparked an interest in them.  They seemed to think it was pretty cool.

I tried to upload pictures but the internet is being too slow here, so that's not happening.  That may come later...for now I need to get back to work. 

March?!?!

Wow, time flies.  Or rather I just get so involved in living life here that I don't notice the passage so much.

It's the start of another day...Thursday.  Wednesdays for us are half-days, at least where school is involved.  What that means is it feels more like a Friday or weekend, because by time I get to the end of the day, I forget that, yes, we did have school that morning.  And Thursdays, in some ways, feel like another Monday.  [Wouldn't you love to have two Monday mornings a week...].

I've mentioned here and in newsletters that I've been getting to know a certain student here more one-on-one.  Well, about a month or so ago she came over to learn how to make brownies.  Yesterday she came over to learn how to make bread.  That is an all-day proposition...or rather an all-afternoon one.  I directed her in mixing the dough, helping where necessary, but for the most part she made it (yes, I am a teacher to my core).  It went well, and the timing was pretty good, the last pan came out of the oven about 5 minutes before she had to go home.  Part of the reason it was cut so close is she didn't come over until about an hour or so after school got out for the day...even though I warned her she would need to come over as soon as possible.  But it worked out, I got to spend some more time with her, and her family gets to enjoy the rolls for the next few days. 

It's really hard for me to believe that in a little over 3 months I'm going to be heading back to the States.  This time last year I was starting to get into the main part of fundraising to come here.  Now I'm looking at transitioning back home, and what exactly that means.  How do you go back to your old life when you've changed?  I'll be going back to people who know me...but who know the me from a year ago.  Some of them I've kept in close contact with, others send me an e-mail here and there.  How do you describe a year of life experience when most people have an attention span of about 15 seconds when it comes to the question "How was Honduras?".  How do you pick up the strands of your relationships with people when you've both been growing in possibly different directions for the last year.  And how do I keep my focus on God, where it should be, when I'm going from a place with few distractions (and super-slow internet) to a world where everything is a distraction?  The short answer is...I don't know, but I'm going to have to find out.