I'm Ready to Get Off the Emotional Rollercoaster

Anytime now...

It's been an interesting month, filled with ups and downs.  One day I'm fine, the next day I'm super homesick.  Then I'm happy, then frustrated with things.  I'm pretty sure in the three plus months I've been down here I've run a wider gamut of emotions than I have in the last five years.

Building new relationships takes work, and it hurts sometimes.  At home, most of my friends have known me for years, and by this point they know my limitations, they know how to read me, whether I'm taking something as a joke or taking something personally.  They know if I'm joking or serious (well, some of the time).  They know what I'm interested in and what I like to do.  And I know the same about them.  I know how to push their buttons and how to avoid those buttons.  I know what topics will set them off, and what they need to talk about.  And I'm so comfortable in those relationships, that I forget how much you have to learn about other people in building relationships, because that knowledge didn't come automatically.  How do you find out what sets someone off...by accidently doing so.  [Sometimes they tell you ahead of time, but even then, often it takes experience to remember those things.]  A lot of grace has to be extended when you're getting to know someone...and I'm trying, but sometimes it's more difficult than others.  And living in close confines while this is going on exacerbates the issues at times. 

Most good relationships I have at home were built over months and sometimes years of acquaintance.  Here, I don't have that luxury.  I'm being stretched in this and I'm not comfortable with it.  [Then again, I know God never called us to be comfortable.]  The more uncomfortable I get, the more I want to hop on a plane and go home...and the more I know I need to stay here and work through it.  Which means that there have been a few times when I've been pretty miserable, lonely, and just weary.

There are things going on at home that don't help me much with this process either.  Progress is happening on my grandpa's house, and I'm missing it.  I spent many hours and a lot of sweat working on that house.  And while it's good to see pictures of how the progress is coming, there's part of me that wishes I was there, however weird that sounds.  I found out a few weeks ago that I'm going to be an aunt - my brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first child.  And I'm going to miss this whole process, the baby showers, the preparations, etc.  When I come home in June, I'll have a little niece or nephew.  A beautiful thing...but so much that I'm missing.  And when I'm struggling with relationships here, or when misunderstandings come up, that's what I focus on...what I'm missing at home.

I use personal space as my buffer.  At home, when something happens that causes me to react emotionally, I'll retreat and think about it and work through it until I can see it dispassionately or logically, and then decide how to react.  At home, if I need to avoid someone for a few days until that happens, usually I can.  Here, not so much, so I find myself operating more with my emotions than usual.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, but again it's an uncomfortable thing for me.

And then there are days like yesterday, where emotions are all over the place.  Yesterday was the second anniversary of my grandfather's "heavenly birthday" as my aunt puts it.  November 4, 2009 he went to be with the Lord (and all his family and friends who had gone before him).  I knew the anniversary was coming, I was trying to emotionally prepare for it, but there isn't much you can do about it.  This week I've been more emotionally raw than usual.  And then yesterday morning I checked facebook...and found that my cousins (on that side of the family) had their little baby girl born yesterday, on that anniversary.  Little baby Miranda is the first great grandchild in that family (though three more are coming in the next six months).  It was an interesting day - joy and sorrow intermingled.

And all of that is happening at home and I'm still here...where I know I'm supposed to be, but at times that doesn't make it any easier.  I know I'm here for a reason.  Part of that reason may be God teaching me how to work through relationships and emotions as opposed to just ignoring them until I have a chance to think about it.  [And there are many good things happening too, please don't misunderstand me...I just don't struggle with those...maybe I'll talk about those in my next blog entry so it doesn't seem like I think my life is awful. :-)]