And then there are the online journals and blogs...I had a Xanga account for about 4 years, and about a month and a half ago I went through that and copied out some of the more interesting or funny posts. And from time to time I write a note on Facebook. I was bored today (weekends tend to be pretty low-key around here) so I went back and started reading old notes. Here is an excerpt from one of them that spoke to me again as I was reading through it...especially in light of what I'm doing right now. For those of you who are friends with me on facebook, the original note was written September 27, 2008...if you want to read it in its entirety:
I was listening to an FFH cd in my car while I was driving tonight, and this song came on. Now I know the song. I'm singing along with the song. And then I started listening to and thinking about what I was singing. And I repeated the song a few times as the message sank in. Because I think it was a message I needed to hear. So I'm going to write a few portions of the song here (with apologies to the band) and kind of what my thought process was...
Have I ever told you that I love the way you turned out
Have I ever told you that I've been watching and I'm so proud
How often do I tell people what I love about them? And not in a cheesy, corny way, but sincerely. How often do I vocalize my appreciation for other people? Um, not much. If at all. (Yes, they were sentence fragments, deal with it...). Honestly, in a culture that is so focused on itself and/or those who stand out in physical/athletic/entertainment/financial ways...how often do people who are very generous daily get recognized. I'm not talking about those who give millions of dollars (out of their billions of dollars)...I'm talking about those who take their time, which is precious, to reach out to someone else. People who give of what they don't have much of to help those who need it. People who are kind just because...because that's who Jesus is. People who live God's love day in and day out, who would rather not be recognized in front of millions but recognized in front of God. Who live to hear "well done good and faithful servant" at the end of all things. The people who make my life bearable, who have helped me through my struggles just by being an example, a reminder that there is good in this world and there are people who care. And they do it without thanks or recognition. They do it because God is living in them and they have surrendered to His leading.
In the end of the song, that's where it goes...
But I believe there is hope for me, and it's going to take some time
There's a God who sees what's inside of me, I know He can change my mind
There aren't words to describe how unmerited and miraculous this process is. Looking back on where God has taken me in the last 14 years astonishes me. What's more astonishing is I was dragging my feet most of the way, and I still got here (not that I have arrived anywhere in particular yet...). I still drag my feet at times...most of the time. And I don't know where I'm heading...but He does.
And to totally go in another direction (kind of connected to that last thought...where I'm heading) I was reading through Psalm 119 because we're going through it in church. Psalm 119:105 - "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." I realized that this description is more appropriate than I ever considered. Because if you truly are in a dark, dark area and you have a flashlight, it doesn't light up much. It will light a few steps in front of you clearly so you can see where you're walking, but it doesn't do much to light up your destination. And that seems to be how God works. We know where our destination is, but on this path that we're walking we only get to see the step or two that's ahead of us. We don't see the twists and turns to come, the heartaches, blessings, trials, joys, etc. He shows us the next step, and we have to trust that He will be with us along the way to help us through the obstacles. Through those obstacles we learn how best to walk the path. We learn how to stay close to Him when we feel like we know how we want to walk, or when rabbit trails come along that we want to follow. We may learn to see potential pitfalls or temptations more clearly and keep to the middle of the path. Another thing with always looking just at the step or two ahead of you...you don't realize when you're going uphill or downhill too much. You may notice a bit...the going may be a little easier or harder, but if you're just focusing on where to put your feet next you can scale a hill higher than you would have dared had you known what was coming. God never promised to show us the future...he promised to walk with us, to help us, encourage us...and He promised that He has plans for us, plans to give us hope...the hope of a life forever with Him. Honestly, looking back on some of the things I've gone through, I'm glad I didn't know they were coming. Because I probably would have tried to find a way around them...but God can use our trials and sufferings for His good. And while they weren't fun times and I never want to go through much of that again...I'm not sorry for those experiences, because I know they have made me into more of who my Father wants me to be, the woman He created me to be. And I doubt the road ahead will be smooth. But whatever He brings me to, He will bring me through.
So here I am today...three years farther down that road. There have been more twists, turns, hills and valleys. Had you told me when I wrote that note that within three years I would have packed up and moved to Honduras I probably wouldn't have believed you. If you were to tell me today what my life will be like in another three years or five years...who knows if I would believe you either. Even when we want to know how something is going to turn out (I could name a few things going on in my life right now that I'd LOVE to see how things will work), God doesn't tell us that...he just shows us what to do in the next step. And we have to trust that he has the destination in mind, he knows where we're heading, and he can carry us through anything. Just do the good set in front of you to do...you don't have the concentrate on the whole picture, because you can't see the whole picture...the big picture isn't your responsibility. But you can focus on what you're given to do, and doing that to the glory of God.
Have I ever told you that I love the way you turned out
Have I ever told you that I've been watching and I'm so proud
How often do I tell people what I love about them? And not in a cheesy, corny way, but sincerely. How often do I vocalize my appreciation for other people? Um, not much. If at all. (Yes, they were sentence fragments, deal with it...). Honestly, in a culture that is so focused on itself and/or those who stand out in physical/athletic/entertainment/financial ways...how often do people who are very generous daily get recognized. I'm not talking about those who give millions of dollars (out of their billions of dollars)...I'm talking about those who take their time, which is precious, to reach out to someone else. People who give of what they don't have much of to help those who need it. People who are kind just because...because that's who Jesus is. People who live God's love day in and day out, who would rather not be recognized in front of millions but recognized in front of God. Who live to hear "well done good and faithful servant" at the end of all things. The people who make my life bearable, who have helped me through my struggles just by being an example, a reminder that there is good in this world and there are people who care. And they do it without thanks or recognition. They do it because God is living in them and they have surrendered to His leading.
In the end of the song, that's where it goes...
But I believe there is hope for me, and it's going to take some time
There's a God who sees what's inside of me, I know He can change my mind
There aren't words to describe how unmerited and miraculous this process is. Looking back on where God has taken me in the last 14 years astonishes me. What's more astonishing is I was dragging my feet most of the way, and I still got here (not that I have arrived anywhere in particular yet...). I still drag my feet at times...most of the time. And I don't know where I'm heading...but He does.
And to totally go in another direction (kind of connected to that last thought...where I'm heading) I was reading through Psalm 119 because we're going through it in church. Psalm 119:105 - "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." I realized that this description is more appropriate than I ever considered. Because if you truly are in a dark, dark area and you have a flashlight, it doesn't light up much. It will light a few steps in front of you clearly so you can see where you're walking, but it doesn't do much to light up your destination. And that seems to be how God works. We know where our destination is, but on this path that we're walking we only get to see the step or two that's ahead of us. We don't see the twists and turns to come, the heartaches, blessings, trials, joys, etc. He shows us the next step, and we have to trust that He will be with us along the way to help us through the obstacles. Through those obstacles we learn how best to walk the path. We learn how to stay close to Him when we feel like we know how we want to walk, or when rabbit trails come along that we want to follow. We may learn to see potential pitfalls or temptations more clearly and keep to the middle of the path. Another thing with always looking just at the step or two ahead of you...you don't realize when you're going uphill or downhill too much. You may notice a bit...the going may be a little easier or harder, but if you're just focusing on where to put your feet next you can scale a hill higher than you would have dared had you known what was coming. God never promised to show us the future...he promised to walk with us, to help us, encourage us...and He promised that He has plans for us, plans to give us hope...the hope of a life forever with Him. Honestly, looking back on some of the things I've gone through, I'm glad I didn't know they were coming. Because I probably would have tried to find a way around them...but God can use our trials and sufferings for His good. And while they weren't fun times and I never want to go through much of that again...I'm not sorry for those experiences, because I know they have made me into more of who my Father wants me to be, the woman He created me to be. And I doubt the road ahead will be smooth. But whatever He brings me to, He will bring me through.
So here I am today...three years farther down that road. There have been more twists, turns, hills and valleys. Had you told me when I wrote that note that within three years I would have packed up and moved to Honduras I probably wouldn't have believed you. If you were to tell me today what my life will be like in another three years or five years...who knows if I would believe you either. Even when we want to know how something is going to turn out (I could name a few things going on in my life right now that I'd LOVE to see how things will work), God doesn't tell us that...he just shows us what to do in the next step. And we have to trust that he has the destination in mind, he knows where we're heading, and he can carry us through anything. Just do the good set in front of you to do...you don't have the concentrate on the whole picture, because you can't see the whole picture...the big picture isn't your responsibility. But you can focus on what you're given to do, and doing that to the glory of God.
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