Lessons Relearned...

I've kept a journal sporadically from the time I was 12.  From time to time I look through them (but I haven't done so for about 4 or 5 years at this point...I may have to do that after I get home).  With the advent of technology and the internet there are other ways to record your thoughts.  Every (school) year, I keep a journal in a (password protected) document on my computer, as well as paper journals I write in, because there is something about physically holding a pen...and writing in fun colors...even if it takes longer.

And then there are the online journals and blogs...I had a Xanga account for about 4 years, and about a month and a half ago I went through that and copied out some of the more interesting or funny posts.  And from time to time I write a note on Facebook.  I was bored today (weekends tend to be pretty low-key around here) so I went back and started reading old notes.  Here is an excerpt from one of them that spoke to me again as I was reading through it...especially in light of what I'm doing right now.  For those of you who are friends with me on facebook, the original note was written September 27, 2008...if you want to read it in its entirety:

I was listening to an FFH cd in my car while I was driving tonight, and this song came on. Now I know the song. I'm singing along with the song. And then I started listening to and thinking about what I was singing. And I repeated the song a few times as the message sank in. Because I think it was a message I needed to hear. So I'm going to write a few portions of the song here (with apologies to the band) and kind of what my thought process was...

Have I ever told you that I love the way you turned out
Have I ever told you that I've been watching and I'm so proud

How often do I tell people what I love about them? And not in a cheesy, corny way, but sincerely. How often do I vocalize my appreciation for other people? Um, not much. If at all. (Yes, they were sentence fragments, deal with it...). Honestly, in a culture that is so focused on itself and/or those who stand out in physical/athletic/entertainment/financial ways...how often do people who are very generous daily get recognized. I'm not talking about those who give millions of dollars (out of their billions of dollars)...I'm talking about those who take their time, which is precious, to reach out to someone else. People who give of what they don't have much of to help those who need it. People who are kind just because...because that's who Jesus is. People who live God's love day in and day out, who would rather not be recognized in front of millions but recognized in front of God. Who live to hear "well done good and faithful servant" at the end of all things. The people who make my life bearable, who have helped me through my struggles just by being an example, a reminder that there is good in this world and there are people who care. And they do it without thanks or recognition. They do it because God is living in them and they have surrendered to His leading.

In the end of the song, that's where it goes...

But I believe there is hope for me, and it's going to take some time
There's a God who sees what's inside of me, I know He can change my mind

There aren't words to describe how unmerited and miraculous this process is. Looking back on where God has taken me in the last 14 years astonishes me. What's more astonishing is I was dragging my feet most of the way, and I still got here (not that I have arrived anywhere in particular yet...). I still drag my feet at times...most of the time. And I don't know where I'm heading...but He does.

And to totally go in another direction (kind of connected to that last thought...where I'm heading) I was reading through Psalm 119 because we're going through it in church. Psalm 119:105 - "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." I realized that this description is more appropriate than I ever considered. Because if you truly are in a dark, dark area and you have a flashlight, it doesn't light up much. It will light a few steps in front of you clearly so you can see where you're walking, but it doesn't do much to light up your destination. And that seems to be how God works. We know where our destination is, but on this path that we're walking we only get to see the step or two that's ahead of us. We don't see the twists and turns to come, the heartaches, blessings, trials, joys, etc. He shows us the next step, and we have to trust that He will be with us along the way to help us through the obstacles. Through those obstacles we learn how best to walk the path. We learn how to stay close to Him when we feel like we know how we want to walk, or when rabbit trails come along that we want to follow. We may learn to see potential pitfalls or temptations more clearly and keep to the middle of the path. Another thing with always looking just at the step or two ahead of you...you don't realize when you're going uphill or downhill too much. You may notice a bit...the going may be a little easier or harder, but if you're just focusing on where to put your feet next you can scale a hill higher than you would have dared had you known what was coming. God never promised to show us the future...he promised to walk with us, to help us, encourage us...and He promised that He has plans for us, plans to give us hope...the hope of a life forever with Him. Honestly, looking back on some of the things I've gone through, I'm glad I didn't know they were coming. Because I probably would have tried to find a way around them...but God can use our trials and sufferings for His good. And while they weren't fun times and I never want to go through much of that again...I'm not sorry for those experiences, because I know they have made me into more of who my Father wants me to be, the woman He created me to be. And I doubt the road ahead will be smooth. But whatever He brings me to, He will bring me through.

So here I am today...three years farther down that road.  There have been more twists, turns, hills and valleys.  Had you told me when I wrote that note that within three years I would have packed up and moved to Honduras I probably wouldn't have believed you.  If you were to tell me today what my life will be like in another three years or five years...who knows if I would believe you either.  Even when we want to know how something is going to turn out (I could name a few things going on in my life right now that I'd LOVE to see how things will work), God doesn't tell us that...he just shows us what to do in the next step.  And we have to trust that he has the destination in mind, he knows where we're heading, and he can carry us through anything.  Just do the good set in front of you to do...you don't have the concentrate on the whole picture, because you can't see the whole picture...the big picture isn't your responsibility.  But you can focus on what you're given to do, and doing that to the glory of God.

Bumps in the Road

The title is meant both literally and figuratively.  Last week was rough physically, mentally and emotionally.  You know those times when it feels like the whole world is conspiring against you and all your friends have ditched you...yeah, those times?  That's what last week felt like to me.  Or maybe I ditched my friends, I don't know...I mean granted I did leave most of them behind...but between battling homesickness, twisting my ankle, and going back to being a social recluse for a few days, fighting with the internet constantly, or so it seemed, trying to get a couple of students up to speed on things because they royally bombed a test...it wasn't a good week. 

Things started looking up on Sunday, I got a chance to talk with a few people from back home for a while, both on the phone and online, and that helped a lot.  On Monday, we had the day off of school for Columbus Day (I know, it was a week "late"), and sleeping in and spending the day relaxing (and preparing for Family Night) was appreciated.  I made rolls and chocolate chip cookies for dinner (and Melody made pasta and Rachel made the salad).  But I got a lot of baking done, and it was good times.  I made rolls again yesterday after school because for some reason they all mysteriously disappeared.  I'll probably have to make them again this weekend.  I don't mind, it's kind of fun...and they're so much better than store bought bread down here.  And between yesterday and today I watched the entire first season of Burn Notice (only 12 episodes long, it's not that big of an accomplishment).  I have seen more TV shows down here (via seasons) than I ever watched back home...than I ever had TIME to watch back home.  The last couple of days have gone well, and I'm doing much better now than I was last week, so that's definitely encouraging.  Considering that Saturday was the first time I've been homesick enough where I wanted to get a plane ticket and fly home, and I've been here 3 months as of tomorrow, that's probably not doing too badly all told. 

My initial tourist visa (which expires tomorrow) has been extended for two months, and residency has been applied for.  This means that I won't have to worry about anything in terms of legally staying here until the end of March, because the two month extension takes me to my flight home for Christmas, and after I return, if I don't have residency yet, I'll get a 3-month tourist visa again.  I'm praying it doesn't come to that, and the cards show up relatively quickly. 

As for the literal bumps in the road...well, apparently we're getting the backlash of Hurricane Jova coming in, and it's basically been constantly raining, misting or drizzling for the past four or five days, and it's supposed to continue for the foreseeable future (the rest of the week at least).  The roads are basically bumpy, potholed, mud pits.  This past Sunday, the busito (15 passenger van) couldn't make it up one of the hills.  We tried three times.  In the end, one of the house parents (who has a 4-wheel drive vehicle...but is definitely smaller than the busito) ended up towing us back to the Ranch.  It was really funny to see, I'm sure (especially as people who were standing on the side of the road as we passed often started laughing at us).  But we made it back safely, and that's all that matters.  And we've already gotten an e-mail saying that likely, no church for us on Sunday...though a few of the people may be going in, so if we're desperate for groceries, we can get them a list.  But mostly, get comfortable here for a while. :-)

It's been a full week...

I sat down tonight and figured it had been at least two weeks since I last updated...and then realized it was only last Tuesday...yes, the week felt that long.  It wasn't like the week dragged by, it was more that so much happened in the week.

Wednesday we were able to go into the city, which was definitely needed.  We got groceries, had pictures taken for residency cards (kind of like passports, you need to turn in pictures of yourself with your application).  Hopefully that gets taken care of sometime this week because I'm running out of days on my tourist visa.  Hard to believe I've been here almost 90 days already, but it's true.  Anyway, we made it in and made it out of the city and back to the Ranch.  After Kim dropped Melody and me off at our house she got stuck and couldn't make it up the hill again.  A lot of mud and muscle later we had pushed the busito to firmer ground and it made it up the hill, but that was a funny and tiring proposition.  But a successful trip nonetheless.  Wednesday also stuff from home showed up, so I have my drivers' license, some sweatshirts and sweatpants here now.  I've been very comfortable the last few days. :-)

Thursday after school I decided I wanted to make rolls because I'm getting tired of the bread down here, which seems to be half stale by time you buy it.  So I made rolls...there are two left.  They turned out well.  I did share them, so the fact that 22 rolls disappeared in 3 days doesn't indicate anything about how many I've had. ;-) I probably will make more on Tuesday.

Friday I continued the desire to bake and I made cookies...chocolate chip cookies.  Some of you know what recipe that is.  Now, I'm doing both of these (bread and cookies) without the help of a Kitchen Aid (which is very helpful)...so my arms were a little tired by Friday night.  But the cookies were worth it...and there are more of them left.  They turned out pretty well for using unfamiliar brands and ingredients, no stand mixer, no cookie scoop, and only one air-bake pan.  It does make me appreciate all my kitchen gadgets so much more!  But I still will keep baking down here I'm sure...

Saturday started out really productive...I had an empty house and worked for about 6 hours straight and got a lot of "chores" done...cleaning, laundry, etc.  Baking does accumulate a lot of dirty dishes...and I washed as I went along for the most part.  But that's only the "most" part.  I made myself pupusas for lunch, they turned out pretty well (and there are more dishes).  About the time I finished up all of that, the guys next door got back from the city, so I went next door to see what they were up to.  We ended up watching a few episodes of House (Jason has season 1) and then there was a "bonfire" w/ smores up at the kiosk.  [It can't hold a candle to Nate's bonfires back home...but it was fire...]  Oh, and I've probably watched more TV and been exposed to more TV shows and movies down here than I ever was in the States...more because there's not much else to do.  So we all share our stuff...well, those who brought stuff down here with them.  I'll probably be bringing a few of my favorites down here after Christmas.

Then today...wow...well, it started out when my alarm didn't go off and I woke up 15 minutes before we leave for church.  I did make it to the busito on time, albeit with wet hair.  It had dried by time we got to the city.  I had blood sugar problems for most of the morning, probably because my breakfast was two rolls I grabbed as I walked out the door.  After lunch it started to get better, I was mostly good by time we got back to the Ranch.  We went shopping, got groceries, and managed to get back to the Ranch without getting stuck.  This morning was rather sunny...but while we were standing outside PriceSmart waiting for everyone to finish up shopping and get to the busito we heard some really impressive thunder (and if I had been looking in the right direction, based on the flashes of light I could see, I'm guessing the lightning was impressive too!).  It was raining for much of the drive back, but again, we still made it without a problem...Bienvenida spent much of the ride back praying as we approached hills (she was sitting next to me).  That may have helped. :-)

And I get to go to school tomorrow, while all the teachers back home get Monday off.  We are celebrating the "519th Anniversary of the Discovery of the Americas Day" next week Monday.  To those in the States, that would translate into Columbus Day.  We get it, just a week after you all.  [Evidently I'm hanging out with too many people from the southern USA...because while I wrote "you all" what went through my head had a different accent on it...at least I didn't say all y'all.  I am surrounded by a lot of southerners down here.  It makes for some interesting conversations.]

New Experiences...

I've been snowed in...but this is the first time I've been rained in.  This weekend was something of a new experience.  Saturday morning we got the message that all trips to and from the city were suspended...so we didn't got in for church or shopping on Sunday.  It meant that I had a really lazy weekend.  I didn't want to go outside because it was raining pretty much all weekend.  It's a lot less fun than you might think to walk around in the rain when it's a little on the chilly side AND it's difficult to dry out when you get back inside because humidity everywhere is 100%. 

Yesterday there was a soccer game...technically.  There were 6 of us playing...so 3 on 3 without goalies.  The soccer field was basically a mud puddle.  It was a lot of fun...but I came home soaked and muddy.  (Fortunately the dirt came out of my clothes...well for the most part.)  It is still currently raining a bit.  The sun tried to make an appearance earlier today.  I think it's supposed to stop raining sometime over the next couple of days.  Or at least it's supposed to stop raining so much...I'll believe it when I see it.

Refiner's Fire...

It's been a rough week.  At home, as most of you know, I'm busy.  I'm always busy.  Part of it is there are many things I care about - Campus life, church, school, family (including dealing with my grandpa's house), etc.  And part of it is if I stay busy, I don't have time to think.  It's an automatic "what do I have to do next" response.  Here, I have a lot of time to think, and God has a lot of time to bring up areas where I need to let Him work.  A large one that's been bugging me lately is in the area of self-esteem.

When it comes to many areas, I'm very confident.  Teaching chemistry, I'm sure I can do that well...relationships with students, ditto.  Remembering random, insignificant details...so much that it's scary at times.  But once you get out of the realm of intelligence and into the areas of personal worth and value, I let past experiences and negative comments override what I know intellectually to be true. I heard somewhere that it takes at least 7 positive statements/compliments to negate 1 critical statement.  If that's the case, I don't think I have any hope (said tongue in cheek...mostly).  And going back to that scarily accurate memory...I remember them all...both the negative and the positive.  For some reason, it is easier to remember the negative ones.  Most of those statements were said by people who probably don't remember them now...who hopefully have grown up a bit.  And thinking about it, the vast majority of comments that have been made to me in the last 10 years have been positive...but it's still so easy to dwell on the negative.  I've been haunted a bit this week.  It's led into some good conversations, and I think I'm starting to work through it...but it's not a fun process.  Necessary, yes, if I want to be able to move on with my life, it is necessary.  Enjoyable...not at all.  I'm finding that many of those comments said to me a lifetime ago have stuck, and become something of an internal, silent mantra...one that I need to get rid of.  And only God can do that.

In talking with one of my friends about this, she passed on a comment that someone had made to her about me a number of years ago.  It was something along the lines of I have an exterior of stone and a heart of liquid gold.  The problem is in breaking down that exterior...I'm pretty sure only God can do that.

Prayer would be appreciated.  There is more involved here than I'm comfortable sharing on a public forum like this, but that's the gist of it.  I'm talking with a few people about this right now and it's helping.  I'm spending time praying about it, and it's helping.  It's not going to be a quick process, but any progress is good, right? 

Fastest 4-day Weekend on Record...

Maybe not...but it sure didn't seem like 4 days off.  Friday we didn't end up going out to Valle, because we couldn't find a driver.  So I spent the day reading books, talking on facebook, etc...at least until the power went out early in the afternoon.  I still spent some time reading, but a physical book rather than an electronic book.  Friday night some of the graduates ended up coming in from the city to go to the party for Brayan and Yefrey the next day, so there was a bit of work to come up with places for them to sleep (or rather mattresses...fortunately someone was in the city and not coming back until Sunday, and another was covering a house, so it worked out in the end).  Saturday started with a soccer game (well, the game went from 10 to 12).  I played goalie almost the whole time (didn't take them long to put me in that position on a semi-permanent basis).  We won...which makes it a good day, right.  After we all cleaned up, we went to the bodega for the party.  It was fun, I got to get to know a few people I hadn't had much chance to speak with before.  They kept the generators running just long enough to show the slide show of pictures of the guys on the projector, then they cut the generators, but it was light enough outside (and not raining) that the lack of electricity wasn't a problem.  The generators kicked in around 5 again, so I spent a little more time online talking with people...and then real power came on some time before the generators normally cut out (I think it was restored some time around 7:30 or so...at least that's when all the power flickered, which usually is the sign that the "real" power is back on).

Sunday (which was yesterday, difficult as that is for me to believe) was something of an adventure.  My church down here was celebrating Day of the Child, so we met in a park in the city, had a service outside, and brought in food afterwards (pupusas...they're really good!).  The park we went to was the same one where I had gone when I was down here in 2006 and 2008 on brigades...so it was a little emotional for me as I was walking around and remembering conversations with people from those trips.  I spent the first 10 minutes there just wandering around and mostly shutting people out...but I got over it in time.  I called home (5 bars of signal in the park...and no real issues with mosquitoes).  After church I also got a chance to call Robin, which was nice, because one of the stronger memories I had was when we were both there in 2006 and we found a tree that kind of looked like a pineapple (the trunk was stubby and scaly, with giant fronds coming out the top).  The tree is still there...it's grown a bit, but it still somewhat resembled the pineapple...so I knew it was the right one. 

After church we went shopping (typical), and then we spent a bit of time over at visitation.  Visitation happens once a month, and it's a chance where family members of the kids living at the Ranch can come and see them.  It's at a church in the city.  I've never been there before.  Some kids had people there, many kids were just running around playing with each other.  By this point I think all the kids know my name...I know most of them.  They all said hi to me, it was really cute.  We stayed there for about 10 minutes, then swung by Brayan and Steve's apartment (and I got a chance to see it, it's pretty nice), and started driving back to the Ranch.  I say started, because as we were nearing the turn off to the potholed road (off of the main road out of Teguc) the hose on the radiator loosened or burst or something...we lost all the fluid, regardless.  Those of us in the back noticed the fact that we had lost a lot of fluid...so we relayed that information to the driver.  He pulled over and he and Melody's father (her parents and best friend are here visiting for a week) tried to see if they could fix it.  Scott tried calling people to let them know and ask for help.  He didn't get a hold of anyone initially, but Carlos saw us as he was on his way back.  He pulled over, and 6 of us jumped into his busito (and we brought the groceries too).  I guess Jim brought some more passengers back (maybe all of them, I don't know, I was in Carlos' van).  The busito we were in is still in the city, I believe.  Oh, the adventures of driving in Honduras.  For some reason, as we were coming back to the Ranch we started singing songs again...hymns, Sunday School songs, other praise and worship stuff.  It was a lot of fun...I just hope we weren't too annoying.  Basically it was Melody, her parents, her friend Sarah, Scott and me...Marielos joined in when she knew them.  Overall, I guess looking back it was a full weekend...even though it seemed to fly by way too quickly.  [It probably flew by because it was a full weekend, granted.] 

It was interesting to see how God worked things out really well yesterday with the busito...because if we had stuck around too much longer at visitation, we probably would have been behind most of the ranch people returning from the city because we took that side trip to Brayan and Steve's apartment. 

Today was back to school as usual.  It's been gray and rainy all day.  The power has held out so far, which is good, because it's our turn to host family night tonight...Melody's parents are helping with it.  It should be fun!

Feliz Dia de Independencia (de Honduras)!

It is indeed the Honduran Independence Day.  Which means I have today and tomorrow off of school (Day of the Teacher is Saturday...kind of fitting).  Yay for a 4-day weekend.  For those of you back home who are a little jealous...just remember that I didn't get Labor Day off last week...so it does even out eventually...mostly. 

Yesterday the kids had a parade, complete with a percussion section (all the high schoolers/junior highers).  We marched from the school up to the campo (it's basically one long hill...starting off as a gradual incline and then getting much steeper!), over the campo, down the road past all the houses and ended in the bodega, where there were cultural presentations by each grade level and then food and more presentations about the different districts in Honduras by each of the houses.  There was a brigade that showed up, so after that, we had the required soccer game.  We won.  The team this week (at least some of them) are from Freeport...so some of them at least knew where Cary was.

What to do on my days off...well...today I'm doing laundry.  That's kind of necessary...especially since I usually change clothes 2 to 3 times a day (teaching, change for playing soccer or just hanging out outside, then wash all the bug spray and dirt off and find clean clothes).  I'm also planning on spending some time today figuring out what's going on in the clinic.  Andrew and Simi are leaving for a time, and Simi was in charge of the clinic here.  She handed that off to me...I still don't quite know how that worked, but now I'm in charge of it.  So I need to go up there and figure out what exactly is going on, what this entails, and get a better feel for it.  Once I'm past that point, it doesn't sound like it's really going to be a big deal...but there will be a learning curve, kind of like everything else around here. 

Tomorrow I might be going out to Valle (de los Angeles).  [It's the touristy area about an hour and a half away.]  Melody's parents and best friend are visiting from home, so she's trying to get a group together to go out there.  It would be fun, it would be something to do to get me off the Ranch...and it's never too early to think of Christmas presents, right?

Saturday there's a party for Brayan and Yefrey who are both 18 and moving back to Tegucigalpa.  At some point in time Melody and I are making dessert for that (cupcakes)...everyone on the Ranch is invited to it...so we're probably going to be making a lot of cupcakes.  Sunday at church we're celebrating Day of the Child (which was actually almost two weeks ago), so we're having the services in a park I believe, and it's going to be more of a celebration thing.  Basically the month of September is a series of festivals, parades and celebrations.  It's been an interesting month so far with that.