We’re at the end of August. This is the first month I’ve spent entirely in the States since a year ago June. And according to most people, a month is a sufficient time to recover from almost anything, really. Some of them don’t even understand why I have to recover at all, because we have so many more conveniences here. So there shouldn’t be any adjustment coming back to the States, right?
Before leaving and living somewhere else for a year, I would have understood that idea. Now it seems somewhat ridiculous. It’s impossible to describe mentally, physically and emotionally what I’m still going through. The smallest, random things bring me back to Honduras. A smell, a song, certain foods, phrases, any smattering of Spanish I hear, facebook posts, pictures on my screen saver, etc. Sometimes there is no trigger, sometimes my mind just goes there, and I find myself missing the students and teachers, and praying for them. Then there are the times when I’m talking with people, whether currently in the States or people who are still down there, and that obviously brings it back. And when I'm talking with people, they can understand that...what they don't get is how, for me, "normal" has be redefined.
There are a number of circumstances that were typical for me before leaving, which now are overwhelming. I’m getting better at shopping at WalMart, but the place is huge, and if I don’t go in with a written down list and check it off, I usually forget a couple of things along the way, because I get distracted or I wander around in circles for a while as I try to remember where something is, or mull over which brand out of 15 or 20 I should choose. [I do a lot of shopping now at Aldi, fewer options, less overwhelming.] My church as well has been overwhelming to some extent. There have been many new people who have started attending in the last year. I don’t know them, they know each other…and it’s a far cry from the 25-30 people I had in my church in Honduras. Being back in school in many ways is also overwhelming. There are too many people going in too many directions, requesting too many things at the moment. I’m know I’ll get used to it and get on top of it, but in some ways I feel like I’m a first year teacher again, trying to figure out everything that needs to be done and how it should be done.
Humans are interesting creatures; we adapt to new environments and routines and over time it becomes our “normal”. When we enter into another environment, what we consider “normal” changes. That was my position…now I’m going back to my first environment and I’m questioning it in some cases rather than just submersing myself back in. Living and working in the northwest suburbs of Chicago takes energy and focus and in many cases a willingness to put many “extraneous” relationships on hold for your job and the million and one things you’re involved in (okay, a slight exaggeration there). You learn what you need to do, you learn how much time you can spend on any one task, you learn to budget and juggle until it’s all you know how to do, and your friends tend to be people who are with you in one or more of those things you do on a daily or weekly basis. That’s not a bad thing. But in the last year I’ve learned how to be quiet, I’ve learned how to be content with my own company, with a slower pace, with meeting random people, with conversations and relationships where on the surface we don’t have much of anything in common, other than a love of God. In some cases, we don’t even have a language in common. I’ve learned to slow down…and part of me is resisting speeding up again…at least to the level where I was before.
School has started again. With that comes demands on my time, mind, patience, etc. I’m trying to find a way where I can function in this world without losing the lessons that I learned in Honduras, without finding myself crazy busy again where 5 hours of sleep a night is considered good, and one to two hours of breathing space a week is what I get if I’m lucky. I’m fortunate, I was forced out of all my activities, tutoring, etc when I was gone, and people learned to deal without me. Now, coming back, I can approach this more prayerfully and intentionally in what I want to get involved in, and what really isn’t my passion.
In short, I’m still processing through culture shock, I’m trying to figure out how to make who I was in Honduras and the lessons I learned while I was there mesh with my life here. What to keep, what to change, same with activities, relationships, natural responses, etc. And I know I’m supposed to be here right now…but I’m waiting on God’s direction for the future…again, not necessarily comfortable, but very necessary. And unfortunately it's an ongoing process that doesn't really have an end in sight...
Before leaving and living somewhere else for a year, I would have understood that idea. Now it seems somewhat ridiculous. It’s impossible to describe mentally, physically and emotionally what I’m still going through. The smallest, random things bring me back to Honduras. A smell, a song, certain foods, phrases, any smattering of Spanish I hear, facebook posts, pictures on my screen saver, etc. Sometimes there is no trigger, sometimes my mind just goes there, and I find myself missing the students and teachers, and praying for them. Then there are the times when I’m talking with people, whether currently in the States or people who are still down there, and that obviously brings it back. And when I'm talking with people, they can understand that...what they don't get is how, for me, "normal" has be redefined.
There are a number of circumstances that were typical for me before leaving, which now are overwhelming. I’m getting better at shopping at WalMart, but the place is huge, and if I don’t go in with a written down list and check it off, I usually forget a couple of things along the way, because I get distracted or I wander around in circles for a while as I try to remember where something is, or mull over which brand out of 15 or 20 I should choose. [I do a lot of shopping now at Aldi, fewer options, less overwhelming.] My church as well has been overwhelming to some extent. There have been many new people who have started attending in the last year. I don’t know them, they know each other…and it’s a far cry from the 25-30 people I had in my church in Honduras. Being back in school in many ways is also overwhelming. There are too many people going in too many directions, requesting too many things at the moment. I’m know I’ll get used to it and get on top of it, but in some ways I feel like I’m a first year teacher again, trying to figure out everything that needs to be done and how it should be done.
Humans are interesting creatures; we adapt to new environments and routines and over time it becomes our “normal”. When we enter into another environment, what we consider “normal” changes. That was my position…now I’m going back to my first environment and I’m questioning it in some cases rather than just submersing myself back in. Living and working in the northwest suburbs of Chicago takes energy and focus and in many cases a willingness to put many “extraneous” relationships on hold for your job and the million and one things you’re involved in (okay, a slight exaggeration there). You learn what you need to do, you learn how much time you can spend on any one task, you learn to budget and juggle until it’s all you know how to do, and your friends tend to be people who are with you in one or more of those things you do on a daily or weekly basis. That’s not a bad thing. But in the last year I’ve learned how to be quiet, I’ve learned how to be content with my own company, with a slower pace, with meeting random people, with conversations and relationships where on the surface we don’t have much of anything in common, other than a love of God. In some cases, we don’t even have a language in common. I’ve learned to slow down…and part of me is resisting speeding up again…at least to the level where I was before.
School has started again. With that comes demands on my time, mind, patience, etc. I’m trying to find a way where I can function in this world without losing the lessons that I learned in Honduras, without finding myself crazy busy again where 5 hours of sleep a night is considered good, and one to two hours of breathing space a week is what I get if I’m lucky. I’m fortunate, I was forced out of all my activities, tutoring, etc when I was gone, and people learned to deal without me. Now, coming back, I can approach this more prayerfully and intentionally in what I want to get involved in, and what really isn’t my passion.
In short, I’m still processing through culture shock, I’m trying to figure out how to make who I was in Honduras and the lessons I learned while I was there mesh with my life here. What to keep, what to change, same with activities, relationships, natural responses, etc. And I know I’m supposed to be here right now…but I’m waiting on God’s direction for the future…again, not necessarily comfortable, but very necessary. And unfortunately it's an ongoing process that doesn't really have an end in sight...
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