Bringing it back…

Culture re-entry is never something I eagerly anticipate.  It’s a struggle on many levels: mental, physical, emotional and spiritual.  This entire past week, while in Honduras, I spent a lot of time processing with people, which is not common for me.  Usually I internally process and then may share the results.  But this was very raw processing, being unexpectedly hit with buried emotion, frustration, joy, and God-appointed moments.  Many times there was no filter, but there was a community to support me.  And now I’m coming back and trying to fit all of this into my head, heart and life.  I know it’s impossible, but I pray that God would use this past week to continue to shape me into who He wants me to be.  So this will likely ramble a bit, because I’m putting my thoughts into some semblance of order.  It’s not neatly packaged, though not as raw as it might be, as I’ve had a day of travel to process already. 

This past week was a daily, building reminder about what I love and miss about Honduras and the Honduran culture.  It started with the land itself.  Driving from San Pedro Sula to Comayagua was a winding road of hills and mountains, breathtaking valleys and one large lake.  It was a far cry from the flat urban sprawl of northern Illinois.  As we were driving, I found myself answering questions from a few members of our group who had never been there, and as I talked it brought back so many precious memories of people and places I miss. 

Sunday started with a worship time in Comayagua.  I was grateful to realize I still had enough Spanish where I could follow the vast majority without translation.  Worshiping God breaks down cultural and language barriers.  Standing in that church together, we were embraced and loved by people who had never seen us before, and this side of heaven may never see us again, but loved us because we are family, we are all adopted sons and daughters of God the Father.  In that, we have unity.  For me, that continued later, as I met up with Jennifer, a friend from when I lived here.  I hadn’t seen her in 3 years, but time fell away very quickly.  Our conversation was encouraging and I may find myself coming back to Honduras more frequently or for longer periods of time as a result, but right now all of that is still in the prayer stage.

This week was different from my previous experiences.  There was a lot more continuity with Hondurans; we saw some of the same people from one day to another.  We did things (like laying adobe bricks) with them which meant we had the opportunity for extended conversations.  My Spanish was stretched and I was pretty comfortable with it by the end of the week.  But mostly I saw again and again how God cares for individuals, including myself.  I don’t think, as a group, we’ve ever had as many “God moments” as we had this past week.  It was evident that God was there and working from day 1.  I won’t try to recount the stories here…if you want to know, just ask me, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

At this stage, I would say I’m a veteran at short-term Honduras trips.  I think this was short term trip #8, not counting the year I lived there and the times I’ve spent just visiting…and those are just the trips I’ve taken to Honduras.  Somewhere along the line, I’ve started to feel like one of the leaders of the trip rather than a participant…not that I’m up front giving direction, because I’m not, nor do I want to be.  But I’m usually waiting until last to volunteer for something because I’ve done it before and I’m willing to do it all again…provided no one else is taking the opportunity.  I’m looking for people who seem to need to talk and process what they’re going through.  I ask people how they’re doing and what they’re thinking, both because I very much want to know, but also because I know that people need to speak it out loud.  I give advice, I answer questions, I’m flexible…I’ve found it’s what is often needed.  I remember needing that my first trip, both because I was overwhelmed and because I was processing my grandmother’s recent death (I missed her funeral because I was in Honduras.)  I had great people who came along side me that year.  They were there for a hug, to talk, whatever. 

Unexpectedly this year, I needed that again.  And there were people with me who stepped in and helped me process, or just offered me a hug.  Many of them were people I didn’t know (or didn’t know well) before this trip.  But I was reminded again that we are created to be in community with people.  Much as our culture values independence, possibly above all else, you can do so much more, and enjoy so much more, when you work together in community.  You bear one another’s burdens, support, encourage, pray for, laugh with, sing with, and just do life with other people.    I think I both laughed and cried more on this trip than has happened for a long time.  And I had people coming along side me, helping me on the way.  I’m incredibly thankful for the experience and my new friends…and I’m praying that God would provide me with that same sense of community here.

I've stopped writing...

I created this blog really for my journey to and my time in Honduras.  After returning, I stopped writing in it, and actually in many ways I stopped writing at all.  I still journal - private personal thoughts and prayers that are just between me and God - but in many ways it seems to me like if I'm not out there doing something, no one would care what I'm thinking about.  I mean who really wants to know about the daily life of a suburban teacher.  And how can I have a "purpose" when every day seems like every other day.

But today I was thinking about it, and I realized that a lot has happened to me and a lot of changes have taken place since I came back from Honduras.  I may not be in a "foreign" country (which, when I visit, still seems like home), but it is still affecting me.

It's hard for me to believe it's been almost 3 years since I came back.  At times it seems a lifetime ago, other times it really does seem like it was just last week.  I have been back to visit since then.  I haven't yet seen everyone, but I have seen most of my students.  I know that my friends and family like to hear about those trips, but fewer of them ask about how I've changed (and in their defense, it would be difficult to answer that question on the fly).  I still think in Spanish occasionally, I still read in Spanish some, but I know I'm losing a lot of the language I had.  Hopefully it would come back quickly.

When I first came back, that first year, I pretty much was just waiting for God to send me again.  I didn't know whether it would be to Honduras or somewhere else, but I just wanted to go.  I wanted the clearer sense of purpose that came with being surrounded by your mission.  We all have a mission/purpose.  When you are somewhere other than your "home" that mission is often clearer.  You go on vacation to relax - that is your mission.  You visit friends to spend time with them - that is your mission.  I went overseas to teach - that was my mission.  When you're home, it's more difficult to find that purpose.  Some days it just seems to be to make enough money to survive.  Other days it's to get the house cleaned.   But it seems like I'm constantly being pulled in so many directions with no underlying clear goal.

The first year was probably the biggest physical and obvious transitions.  I needed to move back into my house, learn the new programs at school, reacquaint myself with how things were run there.  There was a new assessment system, a new evaluation system, new website, new teachers, new classes, a lot of new things.  Going shopping on my own in huge stores, creating my own schedules and having the flexibility of my own transportation were all somewhat overwhelming at first.  But you fall back into the pattern, re-learn how to do things and stop mentioning it to other people.  Within six months, most other people forgot I ever was gone, and a few of them told me that too.  But I very much didn't forget, because the internal transitions still go on.

I mentioned that during the first year, internally, I expected God to send me back, or send me somewhere.  When I didn't feel that, there was a fair amount of depression.  It seemed like everyone else had moved on and forgotten about it and about me, at times it even seemed like God had.  There was a lot of internal doubt about my decisions, God's decisions and whether or not God had a plan for my life.  Now, looking back, I can see both God's presence and His faithfulness through that time, but in the middle of it, both of those were hard to see.  Finishing off my first year of school in the States did hold a sense of accomplishment.  I went back to Honduras for a few weeks over the summer, and saw some people again.  Leaving that time seemed far more difficult than it had been the first time, because I knew what I was coming back to, and I still didn't know what my purpose was.  Shortly after returning, with school starting up again, I was told that if I did not get a Masters' degree within the next few years, my salary would be frozen.

This presented a few problems.  I didn't have extra money sitting around to pay for a Masters program.  I didn't have time to attend classes, and I didn't want a Masters just for the sake of getting a Masters.  The whole system of "you pay for a piece of paper (degree) which will then make us pay you more money (salary)" seems a little twisted and political.  So I half-heartedly looked around for programs, and talked to people who were getting a Masters or had gotten one recently.  I did find one that was fairly reasonably priced and all online.  I had done online classes before, I knew I could be disciplined enough to monitor my own progress.  I had to make the decision between what type I wanted to get, and all I knew was that I did not want to go into administration, so I decided to get a degree in curriculum and instruction.

Working towards my Masters has taken up a lot of the last 16 months.  I have two classes left to go, I'm finally almost there.  What I have seen through this is a continuation of God's faithfulness in providing for me in every way.  I have been able to pay for my classes as I've gone along.  My 10-year-old car has been very well behaved and not needed much in the way of maintenance.  My medical insurance has paid more than I thought they would of various bills that have come up.  I have gotten tutoring jobs when I needed extra money.  God has provided in many ways, both small and large, to allow me to work towards this goal.  And He provided a way for me to go back down to Honduras last summer as well.  I wasn't expecting that I would be able to go, financially or time-wise (as I was taking classes throughout the summer).  Looking back, I still don't fully understand how it came together, but it did.

God has also, in the last year or so, shown me other reasons that I'm here, in the States, in this place, at this time.  I don't have time to go into all of that now, because I've already spent more time than I anticipated writing, but I'll have to come back to that later...

A Month in the States

We’re at the end of August.  This is the first month I’ve spent entirely in the States since a year ago June.  And according to most people, a month is a sufficient time to recover from almost anything, really.  Some of them don’t even understand why I have to recover at all, because we have so many more conveniences here.  So there shouldn’t be any adjustment coming back to the States, right?

Before leaving and living somewhere else for a year, I would have understood that idea.  Now it seems somewhat ridiculous.  It’s impossible to describe mentally, physically and emotionally what I’m still going through.  The smallest, random things bring me back to Honduras.  A smell, a song, certain foods, phrases, any smattering of Spanish I hear, facebook posts, pictures on my screen saver, etc.  Sometimes there is no trigger, sometimes my mind just goes there, and I find myself missing the students and teachers, and praying for them.  Then there are the times when I’m talking with people, whether currently in the States or people who are still down there, and that obviously brings it back.  And when I'm talking with people, they can understand that...what they don't get is how, for me, "normal" has be redefined.

There are a number of circumstances that were typical for me before leaving, which now are overwhelming.  I’m getting better at shopping at WalMart, but the place is huge, and if I don’t go in with a written down list and check it off, I usually forget a couple of things along the way, because I get distracted or I wander around in circles for a while as I try to remember where something is, or mull over which brand out of 15 or 20 I should choose.  [I do a lot of shopping now at Aldi, fewer options, less overwhelming.]  My church as well has been overwhelming to some extent.  There have been many new people who have started attending in the last year.  I don’t know them, they know each other…and it’s a far cry from the 25-30 people I had in my church in Honduras.  Being back in school in many ways is also overwhelming.  There are too many people going in too many directions, requesting too many things at the moment.  I’m know I’ll get used to it and get on top of it, but in some ways I feel like I’m a first year teacher again, trying to figure out everything that needs to be done and how it should be done.

Humans are interesting creatures; we adapt to new environments and routines and over time it becomes our “normal”.  When we enter into another environment, what we consider “normal” changes.  That was my position…now I’m going back to my first environment and I’m questioning it in some cases rather than just submersing myself back in.  Living and working in the northwest suburbs of Chicago takes energy and focus and in many cases a willingness to put many “extraneous” relationships on hold for your job and the million and one things you’re involved in (okay, a slight exaggeration there).  You learn what you need to do, you learn how much time you can spend on any one task, you learn to budget and juggle until it’s all you know how to do, and your friends tend to be people who are with you in one or more of those things you do on a daily or weekly basis.  That’s not a bad thing.  But in the last year I’ve learned how to be quiet, I’ve learned how to be content with my own company, with a slower pace, with meeting random people, with conversations and relationships where on the surface we don’t have much of anything in common, other than a love of God.  In some cases, we don’t even have a language in common.  I’ve learned to slow down…and part of me is resisting speeding up again…at least to the level where I was before.

School has started again.  With that comes demands on my time, mind, patience, etc.  I’m trying to find a way where I can function in this world without losing the lessons that I learned in Honduras, without finding myself crazy busy again where 5 hours of sleep a night is considered good, and one to two hours of breathing space a week is what I get if I’m lucky.  I’m fortunate, I was forced out of all my activities, tutoring, etc when I was gone, and people learned to deal without me.  Now, coming back, I can approach this more prayerfully and intentionally in what I want to get involved in, and what really isn’t my passion.

In short, I’m still processing through culture shock, I’m trying to figure out how to make who I was in Honduras and the lessons I learned while I was there mesh with my life here.  What to keep, what to change, same with activities, relationships, natural responses, etc.  And I know I’m supposed to be here right now…but I’m waiting on God’s direction for the future…again, not necessarily comfortable, but very necessary.  And unfortunately it's an ongoing process that doesn't really have an end in sight...

Re-Entry

I’ve now been Stateside for almost 4 weeks.  I’m going back to Honduras in another couple of days, for two weeks, and then I’ll be back here “permanently” [or at least for the foreseeable future].  In some ways, being back has been good, and in other ways it’s rough.  People ask how I’m doing or if I’m glad to be back, and in many ways, the answer changes every day, sometimes every minute.  It reminds me of a scene in Harry Potter 5 (the book…and I think the movie…):  Harry, Ron and Hermione are sitting in the common room, near Christmas, right after Harry kissed Cho (this girl he’s liked for over a year).  Cho was crying, and Ron teases Harry that he’s not a good kisser.  Hermione says he’s fine, Cho is just conflicted, and when the guys continue to act confused, she goes on to explain all the different thoughts and emotions that Cho is going through at this point.  Ron comes back with: “One person can’t feel all that at once, they’d explode!”  Right now, in many ways, I’m living that sentiment.

It’s impossible to explain all of how I’m doing, what I’m feeling, and any of my experiences right now.  A lot of my time and energy is spent focusing on the task at hand…which is currently getting my house back together.  I’d forgotten how much stuff I have.  I remember when I was packing my house up to make room for my renter to move in, I threw out a lot of stuff that I didn’t need.  In unpacking, I’m doing much the same thing…either throwing it out or moving it back into storage to potentially sell or give away.  There are times when I’m doing okay, and times when I’m completely overwhelmed and can just stare at the stuff around me…most of which I definitely didn’t miss in the last year, much of which I completely forgot I owned.

I’ve spent a lot of time meeting with people these past couple weeks as well, which is a mixed blessing.  I enjoy spending time with people, finding out about where they are right now, what’s been happening in their lives, and sharing some about mine.  At the same time, I’ve heard many assumptions or statements which I know are well meaning, but are also hurtful. 

“Welcome back to civilization…”  Yes, I was living in a developing country.  Yes, Honduras is very poor in many ways…but that doesn’t mean that it’s uncivilized.  They have cell phones, internet (granted mine was really slow), vehicles, schools, shopping malls, etc.  It may not be as grand or elaborate as those in the states, the power may go out on a weekly basis and you barely notice, but just because we’re incredibly, abundantly, overly blessed here…it doesn’t mean they’re not civilized.

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll be fine.  You’ve lived here for years, you weren’t gone that long.”  A lot can happen in a year…a lot can happen in a few months or even a few weeks.  You learn new ways of doing things, new ways of relating, how to live without things, and in many ways how to enjoy a different lifestyle.  And when you come back, you’re seeing your “old” life through that lens.  It’s no longer what you’re used to.  I read somewhere that it takes 30 days to make a habit…or at least that’s what’s commonly accepted.  Even giving some time for the initial culture shock…living in another culture for a year is by far long enough to get new habits.

“When you’re back to normal…” I’m assuming it’s intended to be:  “when you’ve had time to reacclimate and had a chance to emotionally stabilize”…because I’m pretty sure I’ll never go back to the “normal” I was at before…and I’m also pretty sure I don’t want to…

What is normal? In some ways it feels like some people are treating my reverse culture shock like a disease I'll recover from, and when I've been back long enough I'll revert back to the "me" I was before.  I hope not.  I hope that the lessons I've learned and the things I've experienced will have a lasting impact. I know I need to relearn how to live in this culture, but that doesn't mean I have to forget my time in Honduras.

A hard part of coming back is trying to reconcile two very different sets of priorities.  [And I know I'm generalizing here, so please don't jump down my throat...]. In the States, in many ways, we're focused on responsibility and independence.  Honduras in many ways is focused on relationships and interdependence.  That isn't to say that relationships aren't important in here, or that responsibility isn't important there...but an example: here you meet people on a schedule.  You almost have to, especially if you're meeting somewhere other than someone's house.  Most people are very time conscious, and we think people are rude if they show up more than a few minutes late (or come over excessively early).  If we see a friend or acquaintance somewhere when we're shopping or out somewhere, we'll strike up conversation, but it usually is short, because we're conscious that we have things to get done and they likely have things to get done.  Not so much in Honduras.  If you see someone in the mall, it's not uncommon to have longer conversations, or to change your plans to spend time with them.  People will come over unannounced, or be invited in spontaneously, and sometimes these unplanned visits span hours or meals.  When a guest comes over, they usually stop what they're doing to spend time with that person.  Help is also freely offered and often accepted (though pride does come into play at times).  Relationships are so important that culturally, it's very difficult to refuse people things.  However, most people don't take undue advantage of it.

One of my biggest frustrations in returning is how often people interrupt when you're in a conversation.  I don't know if I'm just more sensitive to it, or if it's happening to me more often (I'm guessing I'm more sensitive) but there have been numerous times with numerous people where I've felt like walking away from the conversation and just sending an email, because at least those can get written without interruption.  I can't count the number of times I've been asked a question by a friend, so I start to answer, and within two sentences they've had to interject something...a question, comment, or assumption.  If you really want to know about my time, let me tell it.  If you don't want to know, don't ask.  I won't be offended if you don't ask...I do get more offended if you ask, but show you don't really care about the answer, because as I'm talking you're thinking about what you want to say next rather than listening to what I'm saying.  I don't need to talk about my trip all the time; I do want to find out what is happening in other people's lives.  I understand that in the year I've been gone, life has gone on here in the States, as it should.

It will be interesting to see how things go as I return to Honduras.  I don’t know what it will feel like to go back…the same in some ways and different in others.  I’m only back at the Ranch for a week.  Some people are no longer around, and I’ll miss them.  Others it will be very good to see again (and very difficult to say goodbye to).

How do you pack up a year of your life?

Any advice, please…

This was the last Monday I’ll be in Honduras…well at least for the next month.  And when I come back, I’m not coming back for good, I’m just coming back for two weeks, so it’s not the same.  It does make leaving a little easier, but emphasis on LITTLE.

This evening I started really packing.  I’ve been consolidating things for the past week or so, weeding out things I don’t need to take back with me, separating things into things I’ll use before I return and things I’m going to stow here until I return for a week.  Tonight I actually went through and started counting off the days until I leave (6) and then portioning out what clothing I still need to wear, and packing the rest, packing up cosmetics, pictures, getting my DVDs in order, figuring out what people are still borrowing, going through every drawer in my room and throwing things out, putting things to the side that I don’t need, but other people may want…in general getting ready to wrap up my life here.  It’s more difficult than I anticipated in some ways…it makes things more real.  I really am leaving in less than a week.  And how do I go from the life I’m used to here back to the fast-paced, materialistic, busy world I came from?

In many ways the last year devoid of TV (or at least commercials…the TV I’ve watched has all been on DVD), radio, reliable phone service and high speed internet has been a relief.  I get phone service when I’m in the city (Teguc), outside in some areas on the Ranch, or connected to the antenna in Scott’s room.  But even then, I don’t get phone calls in, I just call out.  The internet is a frustration at times, but the intermittent service means that many times I don’t spend a lot of time tied in to facebook and e-mail.  I still check it every day, but before I left I would spend time not only on chatting with people, but playing games on facebook or on the internet.  I don’t think I’ve really done anything with facebook apps since before Christmas.  It takes too long to load, often causes my internet to freeze up, and it’s not worth the trouble.  That greatly decreases the amount of time I spend online (or it would if the internet was as fast here as it is at home…).  Add into that, I don’t have a driver’s license or vehicle here, so I basically have a lot of time to spend talking with people and reading books (and the aforementioned DVDs and movies…and usually those are viewed with at least one other person).  And in some cases, these people have become like family. 

That’s not even touching on the students that I’ve taught this past year.  When you live on the same property as the students, you get to know them rather well.  I had one student tell me that she looks at me like an older sister…and she’s only two and a half years younger than my younger sister, so that’s not too much of a stretch.  I’ve had students ask me to come back next year.  I’ve had parents thank me for the impact I’ve had on their kids.  And in the past week I’ve had to say goodbye already to people I’ve gotten to know really well, some of whom I may never see again this side of heaven.

I’m leaving this culture, and returning to one where in many cases people are too busy to sit down and talk…unless it’s a previously scheduled time, in which case they may be able to spare 15 minutes (an hour if you’re a really good friend) to talk.  I’m returning to a world where texting and facebook messages have replaced phone conversations because it allows you to multitask more easily.  It’s a world where, when I left, I was fortunate to get 6 hours of sleep and half an hour of breathing space a day…usually that included weekends.  I was surrounded by people, but usually we were so focused on whatever task was at hand that there wasn’t much time for personal conversation…unless that was the task at hand.  And in many ways, I don’t want to go back to that.  I want to go home, I want to see my family and friends…but I don’t want to go back to the task-oriented, busy pace of life back in the States. 

I don’t know if there’s any way around it.  I do know that I’m going to try to limit what I commit to, and in many cases I’m making those decisions before I get back home, which will make it easier to say no to the worthy and worthwhile causes that people ask me to join.  It’s not that I don’t think they’re important, or that I don’t support what people are doing in that…it’s just that my focus isn’t there, and I don’t want to be so busy with “good” things that I don’t have energy to dedicate to “best” things.

But before I look too far ahead, I still have six days to get through…well, five really, because day six is traveling.  In that time there will be many more goodbyes to say, packing to finish, conversations to be had, pictures to swap, life to live, and curriculum to finish (school is school in any country). 

3 Weeks?!?!?

In 3 weeks I will be back Stateside.  That's really hard to believe right now.  We have one week of normal school left, then next week will be standardized testing, cleaning the school and graduation.  The last week I'm here, I'll be working on curriculum stuff.  And then I'm home - June 17th. 

Over the next few weeks I'll be packing things up, saying goodbye to people, and trying to process my year here.  That's going to be really difficult, and I'm pretty sure that the next three weeks will fly by.  I'll be heading back here again in July, which helps with the goodbyes somewhat, because at least this time they're only "see you later" and not goodbye for good.  But how do you really pack up one life and try to pick up your old life?

I haven't been posting much on here, but I have been writing a lot in my journal as I'm processing this whole transition.  This also means I don't have much to write about right now, because I have written it...it's just not public.  But prayer would be appreciated as I'm making this transition.

Happy Easter!

I’ve always found the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter to be an interesting day.  It’s a day of crushed hopes, of disappointment.  I can picture Jesus’ disciples looking at each other with a “what now?” expression.  Their hope was killed, betrayed by one they all called friend.  How do you react to that?

If Easter…the resurrection…hadn’t arrived, that would have been the end of the story.  They likely would have gone back to their own lives, back to fishing, collecting taxes, whatever they had done before.  But that’s not the end of the story.  The women came with the news that Jesus’ body had been removed from the tomb, and on inspection it was true.  The tomb where Jesus’ body had been hastily placed and well-guarded (by trained, Roman soldiers) was indeed empty.  And the disciples were confused.  One of the women is convinced that she actually spoke with Jesus.  Then a report comes from two who followed with them, saying that a very-much-alive Jesus had walked with them as they were going to Emmaus, explaining why this man Jesus had to come, live as he had, and die as he did.  He explained that his death WAS the fulfillment of scripture.  And about the time they realized who he was, Jesus disappeared from their presence.  They ran back to Jerusalem as fast as they could to report it.  Later, Jesus appears to all the disciples.  Their hope is restored and their lives are changed, radically changed.

But right now, on this day, they don’t know that.  They have a bleak future ahead of them…one of uncertainty and futility.  I wonder what they thought of that day after the fact.  And the next few weeks, when Jesus was with them, preparing to leave them for the second time.  The uncertainty they faced of what their life would be like after he was gone.  Jesus had spent the last three years preparing them for this time.  Shortly, they would be past the point of preparation, and would pass into living life under the unseen guidance of the Holy Spirit, and spreading to all parts of the known world what they had seen in Jesus and learned from Jesus. 

In some ways it feels that the last year and a half for me has been a time of preparation.  A year ago at this time I was in the middle of raising funds, buying a plane ticket, trying to get things in order at home so I could come here.  In many ways, I had no idea what life would look like here.  I didn’t know the people I was going to meet, the friends I was going to make, the experiences I would have.  I didn’t know the changes that would go on in me, the ways that God would speak to me, grow me and guide me further on this path of life and maturity.  And again, I find myself in that same place.  Except this time I’m preparing to go back home.

In the last nine months I’ve seen God work in my life in amazing ways, I’ve seen God work in the kids that I teach.  I watched some of them mature dramatically.  I’ve seen myself change.  Looking back, I know I’ve been here for a reason, I know God called me here, and I know He’s calling me to go back home.  And that’s all that matters…because if I came here because I wanted to and for no other reason, then it most likely would have been a waste of my time.  If I’m doing what I want to do because I want to do it, even if I think it’s a good thing, my efforts fall flat.  I’m here, because God called me here, He paved the way for it; every detail fell effortlessly into place.  It doesn’t mean it’s been easy, it just means every roadblock I put up was torn down rather quickly.

And it all comes back to God.  It all comes back to what He did for me all those years ago on that cross.  It all comes back to the meaning behind Easter.  In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul said “If Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and so is your faith.  Your faith is worthless; you are still in your sins.  If we have hope in Christ in this life only, we are to be pitied above all men.”

Long Overdue...

There are weeks that go by with nothing to write about.  It's just the same old stuff going on: school, detention duty, campo supervision, soccer games, hanging out with my house and the house next door, etc.  The last two weeks have had many things that I've thought "I really should do another blog entry" but haven't gotten around to it.  So let's see what I can do to catch up...

Two weekends ago I spent at a missionary conference.  It was very interesting.  The emphasis was mostly on determining where your passion lay, and then making sure that you were working in your area of passion.  [Okay, it was understood that we all have things that we have to do...administrative things or whatever that we usually don't have a passion for, but our focus and ministry should line up with our passion.]  I got a chance to talk with a number of missionaries there from all over Honduras in many different ministries.  I spent some time helping a missionary learn how to use her iPad (she saw me using mine, said she got one for her birthday but had no idea what she was doing, and regretted that she hadn't brought it along...and then found out that her husband had brought it).  There was a lot of relationship building and random conversations.  It was a really good chance to get to know people, and think a little bit more of this transition that I'm coming up on.

Speaking of the transition back home, I have purchased my plane ticket to go back to the States.  I'm flying in on June 17th.  It's a Sunday, and this will allow me to go to my church here one last time, say goodbye to everyone, and get dropped off at the airport.  It also gives me a week to get acclimated to the States again before seeing EVERYONE from back home at church.  Arriving late Saturday night and going to church Sunday morning last December was a lot to deal with...I enjoyed seeing people, but wow.  I don't know when I'm going to be moving back into my house, probably the beginning of July.

I will be coming back here on the medical brigade with my church the last week in July.  I may also stay at the Ranch for a week or two before or after that to help the next teacher with figuring out the curriculum (or subbing if he's not here yet).  I will definitely be back in time for my school back home to start.  It will be an interesting summer to say the least.  Last summer was all preparation to come here...this summer will be transitioning to life back in the States.  Leaving is going to be really bittersweet.  I miss people back home so much...but I'm going to miss the friends I've made here.  Some of them I can keep up with on facebook, but my students here aren't on facebook (shocking I'm sure).  The fact that I have a return date to Honduras, temporary as it is, will most likely be beneficial in that transition.

This week has been very relaxing.  We're on Semana Santa (Holy Week) which is a week of no school...and I've taken them as vacation days, so I haven't had to do anything.  Monday I went to Villa Elena - a country club - and had fun with some of the kids at the pool.  One of the little kids in particular is fearless...he kept wanting to do flips in water over his head even though he can't swim...completely trusting that I would be able to get his head above water when he was done. 

I've made it into the city a couple times for dinner...one night at Fridays (yes, they have it here) and last night was at a small Italian place.  After dinner last night the group of us went to see Los Juegos del Hambre (Hunger Games).  It was the first time I've been to the movies here.  It was interesting.  The movie was in English with Spanish subtitles.  That meant that audience responses to what was happening on screen happened when people finished reading the subtitles, not when the characters said the lines.  A little disconcerting, but I enjoyed the movie anyway.

Una Feria de Ciencias

About a year ago, maybe more, I took an online assessment about leadership...namely how I lead.  The results were that I prefer not to, but I will take on leadership roles if necessary.  But getting people to follow me isn't high on my priority list.  I will assign tasks to others in my group, and if they do them, great.  If not, it usually takes less energy for me to complete them than for me to convince others why they need to be done.

I mention this, because I was asked/informed last August that I was going to be putting together the Science Fair for the year.  That, and the date (March 15), was pretty much all the information I was given...not too much to go on.

I mostly ignored it last semester, because March seemed so far away.  It came back to me about the beginning of February that something was coming up that I needed to think about.  In the middle of February I sat down with the principal and asked her what exactly she was looking for with the Science Fair.  I was told that each high school student was either supposed to pick a topic to research and report on or was supposed to do an experiment.  This was supposed to be something outside of class time - a project on their own.

I brought it to the students.  The younger two picked topics to research.  The older ones wanted to do experiments...but not research experiments...they wanted to do demos.  Part of this is I've done demos for them, and they kind of wanted to do the demos themselves.

I was really nervous about it for some reason, and I think it goes back to my feelings about leadership.  This wasn't something I could control and this wasn't something I could take over.  I was "in charge" but I wasn't really doing anything during the Fair except for introducing who came next.  I didn't have many guidelines for it...which in some ways is a good thing, because I'd rather be given freedom than given a strict set of instructions.  In other ways it was uncomfortable, because I know from experience that my vision of something rarely follows other peoples' vision.

It went well.  The students had fun for the most part, I'm pretty sure the spectators enjoyed it.  It's a little flattering that half of the demos were ones I had shown the students.  Another demo was one I've done in the States but not here.  For all the students doing demos, I did make them give a scientific explanation of what they were doing and why it worked...they couldn't just decide to do a fun fire demo.  (Three of the four demos dealt with fire...and no I'm technically not teaching chemistry down here, but there are many places where fire demos can fit...)  Some of the younger students were there as well, and hopefully seeing the demos (or the fire stuff at least) sparked an interest in them.  They seemed to think it was pretty cool.

I tried to upload pictures but the internet is being too slow here, so that's not happening.  That may come later...for now I need to get back to work. 

March?!?!

Wow, time flies.  Or rather I just get so involved in living life here that I don't notice the passage so much.

It's the start of another day...Thursday.  Wednesdays for us are half-days, at least where school is involved.  What that means is it feels more like a Friday or weekend, because by time I get to the end of the day, I forget that, yes, we did have school that morning.  And Thursdays, in some ways, feel like another Monday.  [Wouldn't you love to have two Monday mornings a week...].

I've mentioned here and in newsletters that I've been getting to know a certain student here more one-on-one.  Well, about a month or so ago she came over to learn how to make brownies.  Yesterday she came over to learn how to make bread.  That is an all-day proposition...or rather an all-afternoon one.  I directed her in mixing the dough, helping where necessary, but for the most part she made it (yes, I am a teacher to my core).  It went well, and the timing was pretty good, the last pan came out of the oven about 5 minutes before she had to go home.  Part of the reason it was cut so close is she didn't come over until about an hour or so after school got out for the day...even though I warned her she would need to come over as soon as possible.  But it worked out, I got to spend some more time with her, and her family gets to enjoy the rolls for the next few days. 

It's really hard for me to believe that in a little over 3 months I'm going to be heading back to the States.  This time last year I was starting to get into the main part of fundraising to come here.  Now I'm looking at transitioning back home, and what exactly that means.  How do you go back to your old life when you've changed?  I'll be going back to people who know me...but who know the me from a year ago.  Some of them I've kept in close contact with, others send me an e-mail here and there.  How do you describe a year of life experience when most people have an attention span of about 15 seconds when it comes to the question "How was Honduras?".  How do you pick up the strands of your relationships with people when you've both been growing in possibly different directions for the last year.  And how do I keep my focus on God, where it should be, when I'm going from a place with few distractions (and super-slow internet) to a world where everything is a distraction?  The short answer is...I don't know, but I'm going to have to find out.

How to Make Your Life Difficult...

It's been a while since I've written on here.  That isn't to say that nothing has happened, thought a lot of it is more of the (now) routine variety, so I didn't feel the need to write about it.  The last month or so has been pretty rough on me emotionally and mentally.

It started when I picked up a book that had been recommended to me called Inside Out by Dr. Larry Crabb.  I'm the kind of person who reads a lot, and quickly.  I've read 5 books in the last week.  This book, however, wasn't one I could speed through.  I spent a lot of time pondering what it was saying, and looking at my own life, seeing both steps I had already taken to get closer to God, but also ways in which I was still protecting myself.  It was a difficult book to read, because it took me on an emotional, mental and spiritual journey...a necessary one, but not an easy one.  I spent time processing with God, I spent time processing with other people (some of whom have and some of whom have not read the book).  I'm not through processing, I know this, and I know there are some changes I'm probably going to need to make in my life when I return home, and even here to some extent.  I don't yet know what that looks like, though...I'm still working on that, and God's still working on that.

In the morning before school, I sit outside on my back porch and read my Bible, pray, listen to music, e-mail people, etc.  Last Wednesday I finished reading the New Testament, which I had started when I got here, pretty much read a chapter a day, etc.  So I was thinking about where I should read next, and I remembered a couple of years ago a friend of mine had decided to read the Bible...the whole thing...in 90 days.  I've read it in a year before (actually I started in January and finished in July...so less than a year), but I haven't ever dedicated that much time to reading the Bible every day.  I started this a week ago...last Thursday...in Ecclesiastes.  No, I can't explain why I started there as opposed to in the actual beginning of the Bible.  I really like Ecclesiastes, though, so that might be part of it.  And it means I'll be finishing my reading of the Old Testament at least with Proverbs, and wisdom is always good.

Well, this past week has probably been the most difficult week emotionally speaking that I've had here.  I've had a lot of things on my mind, I've been restless and gone wandering around the Ranch pretty much every night.  Most of the news I've gotten from home hasn't been encouraging.  I'm pretty sure there's spiritual warfare going on.  Which on one hand, reinforces the idea that I'm doing what I need to do...because when you're ineffective, often Satan leaves you alone.  But the last week has kind of been the capstone to the last month, which has pretty much been kicking my butt.  I'm not going to stop...but I do ask for prayer.  My goal is to finish reading through the Bible again by my birthday...which is actually less than 90 days from when I started.  If I don't make that deadline, I'm still shooting for the 90 days, but my guess is I'll do what I can to make it, even if it means staying up all night on Saturday before my birthday.

Advances in Language...

Random update (for those of you not on facebook)...I finally got my official residency ID card yesterday.  I've officially been a resident since December 1, but now I have the ID card to prove it so I don't have to carry my passport around for official purposes (going to the bank, etc.).

One of my goals coming down here was to become, if not fluent in Spanish, at least a lot more proficient.  The difficulty with that goal and living on the Ranch is that most people on the Ranch speak English, and the nearest translator is never more than a phone call away (and is sometimes right next to you).  I could probably make it through my entire time down here without having to speak more than a dozen words of Spanish (to order food in a restaurant and to buy groceries at the store). 

The first month or two that's basically what I did.  I heard Spanish everywhere, but I definitely relied on students to translate for me, or other adults to translate for me.  When people from the States spoke Spanish, I could usually understand it, but when the Hondurans spoke it, much of it went over my head. 

By the end of September or beginning of October I was starting to understand the Hondurans when they would speak.  I was at the point where I could recognize that I didn't know words they were using, but could identify (and maybe even look up) the word being used.  And for me, that is one of the most difficult parts of speaking with them is identifying individual words, because initially they all seemed to run together.

In November I started taking Spanish classes with one of the teachers here, and that was very encouraging.  It forced me to speak more Spanish.  I was at the point where I could understand much of what was being said to me, but I never forced myself to speak it unless the person I was speaking with didn't know English.  So actually taking a class did force me to speak a little bit more, and think more in Spanish. 

Going home to the States showed me that I was functioning a bit more in the language, because it took a while for my automatic responses (thank you, excuse me, good morning, goodbye) to transfer back to English.  Coming back to Honduras, on my first flight I was seated next to an elderly hispanic couple.  He spoke some English, but she didn't speak any as far as I could tell.  She was on the plane first, looking for her seat, and looking very confused.  I saw her boarding pass as she was turning around and realized that she was sitting in my row.  She was talking to herself in Spanish, so I asked her in Spanish if she was supposed to be sitting by me.  She looked a little surprised initially (probably to hear me speaking in Spanish, because I had been conversing before with someone else in English), but realized that she was, but then she didn't know which seat, so she asked me which seat F was, and I understood the question and was able to answer it.  A little thing, but it felt good.  And when her husband showed up, she had him thank me for her in English...evidently she understood my Spanish, could see that I understood hers, but living in the States, was very accustomed to talking with strangers through her husband. 

Now I'm in the second half of my year here.  Yesterday my principal passed along the message that my spanish teacher had told her I was doing well in the language, which always makes me feel good.  I had a conversation with my housekeeper today in which I understood most of what she said, and I'm pretty sure she understood what I was saying.  I'm not taking translation at church anymore, and I'm usually understanding what's being taught.  So while I would not yet say I'm proficient (and definitely not fluent), I may say that I'm functional in the language.  I can have conversations about more than "Hi, how are you?  What's your name? Pleased to meet you."  The key for me is I need to keep pushing myself to practice and be willing to use the language.  I also need to expand my vocabulary a bit...then again, I can be creative in getting my idea across, even when I don't know all the words...sometimes all it takes is a little bit of thought. 

Allergies? Really?

Since I've returned to Honduras I've had what I thought initially was a cold.  I was coughing, sneezing, sinus problems, runny nose, whatever.  But when I was inside certain buildings it was better, and when I was outside it was worse, and it didn't make any sense for any cold I've ever had...which leads me to believe that it's not a cold.

Growing up, the only allergy I've had to deal with is to a medication.  I haven't had plant induced allergies, I don't dread the changing seasons.  But i'm pretty sure there is some plant down here that is pollenating or whatever that I am allergic to...something I don't encounter back in the States.  Because I'm not used to dealing with allergies, it took me until Monday to come to the conclusion that I might be dealing with allergies.  Yesterday I took some 24 hour allergy medicine (one of the advantages to having keys to the clinic...I didn't have to wait for someone to get it for me), and I took another one today.  I have noticed a difference.  The symptoms aren't completely gone, but they're not as severe.  On one hand, I'll take that as a win...on the other, I don't want to have to deal with this for however many months.  The plus side is there are meds, the down side is I need them.

Hopefully the meds do what they're supposed to do, I'll get used to taking them, and I can get through this.  It does beat feeling miserable and going through a box of Kleenex a day (not too much of an exaggeration).

Happy New Year! :-)

It's very hard to believe that 2012 is here.  Fortunately, my time home was enough to make me feel that at least it was winter.  But waking up the first day of the year to birds tweeting outside my room...a little strange. 

In the last year a lot of changes have gone on in my life, and I've definitely learned a lot more about trusting God and stepping out on faith.  I started this blog a little over a year ago, and re-reading some of the entries makes me remember the ways, large and small, God has shown me that He is there, and this is where I'm supposed to be.

My time at home was definitely good.  I'm glad I was there.  But now I need to recover.  Being here feels in many ways like coming home.  I've been down to the school, seen people, spoken in Spanish...it all feels familiar.  It's strange that this time last year I had just been asked to come down and teach, I still didn't know it was really happening, I was waiting on the official word from my school to see whether or not I was going to get a leave of absence.  Four months later I had a ticket, and less than three months later I was here. 

I know I have an interesting year ahead of me.  I'm here (in Honduras) for 5+ more months.  My time home definitely showed me that I'm supposed to go back to the States and teach there for at least one more year.  After that, I really don't know what God has in store for me.  I may be there, I may be here, I may be somewhere else entirely.  It will be interesting in this coming year to see how I've changed teaching here, living here, and seeing how God has worked in my life and the lives of those around me.  I know in many ways my perspective is different.  I'm less busy here, and I like that.  I'm not afraid of down time anymore, I know I'm not done working through some of my issues and stuff from my past, but I've definitely made strides in that, and I know that God can carry me through that and heal me.  I'm probably going to try to back off of some of what I was involved in before I came down.  School and Campus Life most likely won't change...but I don't know about a lot of the rest of it. 

I'm sure there are a million stories and things I could say about the year, some of them rehashing what I've already written about, others are things I never wrote about, but this late at night nothing is really coming to mind.  I'll blame part of it on tiredness, as I haven't completely recovered from traveling here, but a lot of it is looking back on the year, I'm more seeing it as one connected whole rather than individual stories.  I'm looking forward to what God's going to be teaching me and how He's going to be using me this year.  I hope I learn quickly...it tends to be easier that way. :-)

Next Time I Pack My House Up...

...I'll make sure I do a better job of labeling the boxes.

Last May when I was packing my house up for someone else to move in, I was more concerned with getting things out of the way than with my ability to easily find what I had packed up.  I figured that it was in storage until I returned in June 2012, coupled with my move out date being pushed up a week...well, I packed things up so they would be safe in the boxes, put them in my storage room, and got out.  Which means when I decided a couple months ago that when I was home I should go track down some DVDs to bring back with me, it seemed like an easy proposition.  I would just have to go back to my house, find the right box, and I'd be set.  Easy in theory, a little more labor intensive in practice.  I first went over last week, and I spent about 20 minutes moving boxes and looking through boxes until I found the one that held what I thought were all my DVDs.  In going through them, I realized I had more DVDs than I had remembered, and there was no way that all of them were going to make it down with me.  I have a few different "travel cases" for DVDs, and once they're filled, I'm done...individual cases take up too much room.

So after the initial search, I figured I was done.  As I started filling the cases today, however, I realized that I was missing seasons of some of the TV shows I have on DVD.  So I hadn't found everything.  And then I remembered that when I was packing up, the first dozen or so boxes were packed with some sort of logic behind them...here are the DVD's, here are books from this shelf, that shelf, the other shelves (I realized somewhere along the line that I own a LOT of books...unsurprising to those who know me, but still...).  As I was nearing the end of packing, things got a little more haphazard.  I would set the box to fill on my couch, and whatever fit in it that wouldn't get broken was placed there.  Which means if the DVDs weren't on the shelf where they belonged when I packed them the first time, they got put in another box of random things.  And I never bothered to label which boxes were random things.

I went back to my house this afternoon to see if I could track down any of those seasons that I was missing (a couple from The Office and NCIS).  There were also a few movies I know I'm missing.  After an hour of searching I had found the seasons of The Office in a box filled mostly with books.  I still hadn't found the rest of it, and I think I had been through every box.  I'm sure they're sitting somewhere in that storage room, but I couldn't find them.  So I'm going to be borrowing my mother's copies of those seasons (a sacrifice on her part...she "watches" them when she grades...they make great background noise).  Though now that I've introduced her to House, maybe she'll have something else to watch.  I think she made some comment about picking a few seasons of that up. 

But my lesson for the week...next time I move out, make sure I clearly label the boxes!

My time back here has been good.  I've had the opportunity to share with people one-on-one or in groups what I'm doing.  I've seen a lot of people that I've wanted to see, and haven't been able to see others, which is kind of expected.  In many ways it has seemed normal to be here, and then it seems strange when I realize that it's been 5 months since I've done things like drive...and it will be at least another 5+ months until I do so again.  Often times when I sit down and talk with people, it's like no time has passed, things are "normal", just chatting about everyday life.  We pick up where we left off...and somewhere along the line it hits me that my "normal" and their "normal" are currently very different.  I can still very much relate to their normal, it's really easy to fall back into my old patterns...but in my time in Honduras, I've changed some.  They're good changes, and I don't know how much will stick in the long run.  I'm sure it will be interesting next year to see what sticks and what doesn't.  It will also be interesting to see how much culture shock I experience going back to Honduras on Saturday.  In many ways I feel like I've been back longer than 2 weeks...it's been a very full 2 weeks!  And while I've definitely enjoyed my time here, and I'll miss people here when I go back, I am ready to go back, and looking forward to seeing people there again.

I do still have one more day in the States.  Tomorrow my uncle, aunt and cousins are coming up for the day, and tomorrow evening is our family Christmas...so I'll see a lot of family right before I leave.  It should be a good day! :-)

Culture Shock...

I think my mother summarized it best this morning.  I was eating breakfast, and probably looking a little out of it.  She asked how I was doing.  I said I didn't really know.  And she said it probably felt like I never left, and like I wasn't really here at the same time.  And she's right.  Part of me doesn't really believe I'm here, while another part of me has already fallen back into the pattern of living at my parents' house. 

Traveling here went really smoothly.  While we were waiting at the airport to leave, an influx of people came to our gate, all speaking English and I saw a few of them wearing "mission trip" shirts.  So I started asking them about their trip, what they had been doing there, where they were heading, etc.  In the hour we were sitting there, I probably talked with 20+ people.  I ended up sitting next to one of the girls on the flight to Atlanta, and we talked for a good portion of the flight.  I didn't even pick up the book I had downloaded on my iPad the day before (which for me on a flight is very rare).  We made it to Atlanta a little late, but I had plenty of time to clear customs.  Customs was a slightly different experience, because technically my residency is now Honduras.  So there were a few other questions being asked of me, like how long had I been in Honduras, what was I doing there, how long would I be in the States and what was my purpose here.  It felt weird being surrounded by English everywhere (it still does to some extent).  I left Melody at terminal D and continued on to my gate where I had about two and a half hours to kill before boarding.  Over half of that was probably spent on the phone with people from the States.  It's a luxury to have great signal everywhere, and not have to worry about how many minutes I have left before I need to load more. 

I got off the phone about half an hour before boarding the flight, and struck up a conversation with the couple sitting next to me.  I found out they had been in Nicaragua for the past eight days on a missions trip about 30 miles northeast of Managua.  We had a good time talking until they called for boarding, and once on the plane, I found myself across the aisle from a couple who had been with them on their trip, so we spent about half the flight talking about our respective experiences.  They showed me pictures and told me stories about what they had been doing.  Again, I didn't pick up the book I had on my iPad.  [I had read a few pages in the terminal before striking up conversation with the first couple.]  The guy sitting next to me was in the Air Force, had been in Florida for training, and was continuing on to California this morning.  We chatted a little bit, but mostly he listened in to the conversation I was having with the couple across the row, asking some questions, mostly of me, about what it was like teaching in another country.  I don't know where he stands with God, but maybe he heard enough to make him think.  I don't know, I just know I was more outgoing yesterday than I've probably ever been before.  On one hand I think it's a good thing, on the other, I don't really recognize myself anymore.  So combine that with the culture shock...and it took me a while to get to sleep last night.

I was in church this morning at the 8:00 and 10:45 services, Sunday school in between, and then there was a luncheon afterwards.  I had three large cups of coffee today, which helped with the maybe 4 hours of sleep I got.  It was great to see people, and after being away for so long, it's natural to go up and hug people.  So not too much different than Honduras in that...though the cheek kisses didn't happen.  But definitely a lot of hugging going on...again a change from who I was five months ago. 

It's weird to be here...good, but weird.  And while I'm here, I'm thinking of Honduras as home in some ways...as in I'm going "home" in two weeks.  I'm not counting down the days to that (at least not yet) but I was thinking this morning of what I'd be doing there, and what my friends there are doing now (probably on the way back to the Ranch from church...or finishing up shopping in the city).  It's definitely strange feeling like I'm belonging in two different places.  And it's enough to keep my mind spinning.  Hopefully tonight I'll be tired enough to where I'll fall asleep without too much of a problem regardless of how active my mind is. 

This week is pretty booked.  I'm going into school on Tuesday.  That will probably be the next large culture shock...because as I found this morning, I automatically fall into old patterns (kind of like muscle memory) while my mind is telling my how strange this is.  And it is bringing to light some of the ways I've changed in the past five months...most of them good.

Still Hasn't Clicked...

In 24 hours (provided things go as planned) I'll be on a plane beginning my descent into O'Hare.  While I know the statement is true, it doesn't seem real.  This is how I felt the night before coming here, too.  Until I'm on that plane, it won't sink in.

Part of the issue is this is my world now, and it has been for the last five months (wow, I've been here 5 months already...I remember when the count was at 5 weeks and THAT seemed like a long time).  It's my home...in a way.  It's weird to talk about home now, because am I talking about my home here (the Ranch), my parents' house in the States (my "home" for the next two weeks), or the residence that I actually own (well, have a mortgage on...).  In some ways, I'm looking forward to the next two weeks.  I really miss my friends and family, and I'm excited to see you all again.  In other ways, I'm kind of dreading the trip.  I know reverse culture shock is going to be brutal.  I've experienced it before when I've been gone for a week or two.  Thinking through this...I haven't driven a car in 5 months, I haven't purchased things in dollars in that long either (well, not counting purchases made via Amazon or iTunes), my shopping and interactions out and about have been completed in Spanish, church has been in Spanish, and everywhere I look there are mountains.  Yes, there will be culture shock.  So my apologies ahead of time when I start to shut down on you all.  It will happen, I know this already.  My two weeks at home are already mostly booked.  I am excited to see you all, I promise [and I've had the countdown going on facebook to prove it].

Today was fun.  I went into the city with one of my students and her family.  She was in a Christmas production at her church and invited me to go along.  We went in a little early, had dinner, and then went to the church.  It was a good time to practice my Spanish, and they enjoyed practicing their English (or at least that's what they told me).  The production was all in Spanish, and I understood it all, which was encouraging (it does help when they're quoting familiar scripture, but I understood the rest of it as well).  It was a little disconcerting to hear familiar carols being done in Spanish.  But other than giving me another great opportunity to practice my Spanish, now it does feel a little more like Christmas is coming.  Understand, I don't have TV access here, so I've missed out on all the commercials, sales, and other hype that normally surrounds me back in the States.  We've been out of school now for 4 weeks (though I have been busy with school related stuff, just not necessarily classroom teaching).  So the fact that Christms is in a week and a day hasn't really hit me [or a week, a day and an hour in this time zone...].

I should probably get off the internet and finish packing.  I am doing a final load of laundry...not that most of it is going with me...not the right season for it...but it is always nice to come home to clean clothes and a clean room.  So that's my project before going to bed...

The Countdown is On...

In one week, I'll be a plane heading back to the States to spend Christmas with my family.  That seems so surreal right now.  Mentally, I know it's December, and that Christmas is coming, but it doesn't "feel" like winter.  I didn't realize until now how much I depend on external clues to tell me that time has passed.  Other than the fact that I've seen the moras (blackberries) grow up and ripen...well, not too much has changed.  I've been here for almost five months.  It seems very strange to say that.  When I think about everything that has happened in that time, yes, I guess I can see how it's been that long.  When I realize that I'm almost halfway through my time here...it seems way too short. 

But regardless of my feelings on the matter, time is moving, and indeed, I will be heading to the States in a week.  My schedule is already filling up, and I'm probably going to find myself posting on Facebook where I'm going to be for the day so people can find me.  Facebook is a wonderful tool...it's made it really easy to keep in contact with people.  Most of the days I'm back are already filled.  Four and a half of those days are going to be a trip to Minnesota (Friday through Tuesday afternoon).  It will be great to see everyone up there, since the last time I saw them all was last June.  I'm going to be going into school on the first Tuesday I'm back, because they're still in session.  I will be bringing cookies (so a couple of hours on Monday will be me making cookies to bring in...and thoroughly enjoying the luxury of baking with a convection oven, multiple airbake pans, and a KitchenAid mixer again...and not being overly concerned with the possibility of breaking open rotten eggs...).  So Tuesday will be spent in LZ, and I'll probably be hitting up Starbucks there at some time (maybe Tuesday or maybe another day).  Monday I get to see my cat again...I miss Loiosh at the strangest times.  We'll see if she still recognizes me.  Wednesday is currently open.  [I feel like it's dangerous putting that on here, because I'm sure it means it will fill up.]  It may turn into a day for me to go shopping and stock up on what I need to bring back down here...shampoo, beef jerky, toiletries, that sort of thing.  Yes, beef jerky is on the list...because it's an easy source of protein, and I've had enough blood sugar problems where I need to make sure I'm getting enough protein.  Plus, it's just good, and I haven't seen it sold down here.  Thursday is more cookie making during the day (the "official" Christmas cookies with my mom and Val).  It will probably feel like Christmas at that point.

So, in the next week I need to get organized and figure out what I have to bring home.  The rest of my schedule being home will probably fill up.  I’ll also need to finalize the list of things to bring back here, because I’m sure I won’t remember them all when I’m home…and then when I return, I’ll be kicking myself.  Cleaning my room and classroom would also be good things to do, because it’s never fun to return to a mess.  I’m pretty sure I cleaned “my” room back home before I left…that would be one of the guest bedrooms in my parents’ house where I was staying for the two months before I came down here…I’ll be staying there over Christmas, and also for a bit when I return, until my renter moves out.  We haven’t set a date for that yet, because I still don’t know what day I’m returning.

In some ways I’m looking forward to being home.  I’m definitely looking forward to seeing friends and family again.  I’ve missed people down here.  I’m looking forward to driving again, as dumb as that may sound (and driving on smooth roads…though maybe not driving in snow so much…).  I haven’t driven at all while down here, and that’s probably a good thing, because I won’t try to transfer Honduran driving skills up to Illinois.  At the same time, I’m sure it’s going to feel strange being there, and I’ll probably be ready to come back here at the end of the two weeks.  It’s difficult feeling like you belong in two different places…and don’t totally belong in either one.  Oh well, I’m looking forward to seeing you all back in the States.  I’m sure this week will fly by (for me at least).

Happy Thanksgiving (a few days late…)

It really doesn’t feel like Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Thanksgiving isn’t a holiday celebrated in Honduras, so for all the Hondurans it was just another work day.  Some of the things I associate with Thanksgiving (besides the food – liver dumpling soup, bread dumplings with sweet and sour cabbage, cranberry drink and of course, turkey and stuffing) are waking up early to freeze while watching the guys in my church play flag football, time with family, searching the ads after the meal (but usually before dessert) and deciding yet again it’s not worth waking up super early on Black Friday.  It’s still not cold here (not that I'm complaining, mind you), my family is in another country (though fortunately just a phone call away), and Black Friday probably would sound evil to most people down here (though we did see a poster advertising Black Friday sales...in English...wonder who their target audience was...).

This Thanksgiving was a little different.  I slept in, first of all.  Then I went into the city to an English-speaking church to celebrate.  This church is comprised of a lot of missionaries from the States, as well as Hondurans, and people of other countries too.  Think church potluck Thanksgiving, and you probably won’t be too far off.  There were the traditional dishes (though sadly no liver dumpling soup), and then there was fried rice, some sort of pureed fruit casserole, and a few other dishes I would never think to see at Thanksgiving (though they were good).

After lunch, because I was in the city (read as “great cell phone coverage”) I called home, and talked with family there for about an hour.  It still didn’t feel like Thanksgiving, necessarily, but it was nice to talk with people, and I know I get to see them all soon (in three weeks I’ll be in the States).

Things I’m thankful for…well, I’m definitely thankful that I got a chance to call home and talk with people.  I’m thankful for technology, which has made living in a different country so much easier, because I can still stay connected with people back home.  I’m thankful for the friends I’ve made here, the people I interact with.  I’m thankful that God guided me here, and made it very obvious that I’m supposed to be here.  Strange as it seems, it’s only been a year (and four days) since my first phone interview for coming down here.  I’m thankful for my school back home – that they gave me a year off and guaranteed me a job when I return.  I’m thankful for all the details that God worked out to get me here.  I’m thankful for the friends I have back home who make an effort to keep in touch.  I know how difficult that is, because out of sight really is out of mind sometimes.  I’m thankful that I get to go home in a few weeks and see people there.  I’m thankful that Spanish is starting to come a little more easily.

On that note…this past Wednesday night I went to a prayer meeting at my pastor’s house.  My pastor speaks very little English, so it was run in Spanish.  I actually understood most of what he said without translation, and was able to join in the conversation by the end of the night.  This morning I didn’t have a translator for the service either, and I probably caught 80-90% of what he was saying (there were a few times my brain shut down, but I was usually able to pick up the train of thought shortly afterward).  And I had a short conversation with the cashier when I purchased more “minutes” on my phone.  [His comment, after explaining that he had to do separate transactions, was that I was spending a lot more than most people do.  I explained that most of my phone calls are to the States, at which point he nodded and said it was a good reason.  Calling home is cheaper using Tigo (the phone provider I have here) than it would be using my phone from home, but still an hour phone call goes through slightly more than L120 ($6.50)…so the L500 credit I got today gives me about an hour of phone time a week for a month.  Comparatively speaking, an hour phone call using Verizon would be more than $100…probably close to $150, so I’ll take the $6.50.]

And now the question is whether I should write curriculum or write in my novel.  I’m getting close to being done, which is good, because I need to be done by Dec. 1 (according to Nanowrimo rules).  I’m over the word count I need, now I just need to finish the story. 

Sunburn in November?

I think I managed to avoid it, actually, but it was close.

This past week has been an interesting one where school is concerned.  Instead of finishing up with finals, like I'm accustomed to, we finish the year with celebrations...and cleaning.  My last "normal" day of school was Tuesday.  Wednesday we had the first class, and then activities, culminating in a soccer game with the visiting brigade (last one of the year).  Then today, I was responsible for supervising a few of the students with cleaning three of the classrooms (and other teachers were responsible for other students and classrooms).  After that, we had a Christmas party (and watched Elf).  After lunch we headed up to the campo (soccer field) for games.  I figured I was going to sit on the sidelines, read more of my Spanish homework, and watch occasionally.  I ended up participating, initially against my wishes.  And while the morning had been overcast and rainy, the sun came out shortly before we got up to the campo...and while I brought bug spray, I didn't think to put sunscreen in my bag.  The bug spray was used and appreciated by multiple people.  I think I did manage to avoid actually getting burned...but my face and arms definitely have more color than they did this morning.  And there were a few bugs that managed to get past the spray...but only a few.

This afternoon I spent the time playing catch up with my Spanish homework - reading a book in Spanish (or part of a book) and writing in my journal in Spanish.  Evidently I did well, because my teacher told me that she's only going to speak with me in Spanish from now on.  My initial response to her (in Spanish) was if there are other people around who don't speak Spanish, it would be rude...and I'll need to make sure I'm always around those who don't speak Spanish (I have a few people to choose from there).  After class I told her that if she wants to talk with me in Spanish, that's fine, it probably will help me a lot.  But just the thought of only operating in Spanish is a little intimidating.  I want to get to that point...but at the same time I want to have the safety net to fall back on.  My personality type...I can be something of an intellectual diletante...and once I get good enough at something where I know I could gain proficiency, it's no longer as important and I move on.  This would get me past the "good enough" point.  I want to get past that point...so while my first impulse was to object, I know I should encourage it.

Tomorrow is graduation, and then...freedom...well, after a fashion.  I will have more flexibility in my schedule, but next week starts probably four weeks of curriculum development, not to mention tutoring.  I'm sure I'll have other things going on as well.  I leave for home exactly one month from today (or 4 weeks from Saturday).  That will be a whirlwind by itself, I'm sure.  I'm trying to come up with a schedule for what I'm doing each day...which will probably be the only way that I get to see everyone ("everyone" is a fairly loose term there).  I'll be at LGCC the first Sunday (Dec. 18th), probably go into school and then spend the rest of the day at Starbucks in LZ sometime that week (Tuesday maybe?)...we're going up to Minnesota for Christmas, and I don't know what else yet.  But for now I have 4 weeks in which I will probably do a good job of keeping myself busy...and I have 12 more days to finish my novel.  Which I may work on tonight before going to bed...or I may forget it, go to bed, and work on it tomorrow after graduation.